Friday Flashback: Two Fingers of Pleasure

Programming note: I am continuing my “week plus of sex posts” from June of 2010.

This is good for foreplay, or to bring her to climax before, after, or instead of intercourse. She needs to be fairly aroused before you start this, so make with the kissing and hugging, the breast play, and some genital play before you move to this.

Friday Flashback: Two Fingers of Pleasure

You want her on her back, with you sitting to one side of her. Your legs should be in front of you and her body should be on the side of your dominant hand. Your hips will be about the level of her genitals along the length of her body. Part her legs moderately, and roll them out a bit. You’re going to insert your pointer finger while using your thumb on her clitoris. Bring your pointer up, as if you were trying to pinch her gently between your thumb and forefinger – this will simulate the area of her G-spot.

Friday Flashback: Two Fingers of Pleasure

Try a variety of strokes.

Your thumb can move in circles, back and forth, up and down, or press in and release. Try variations in speed and the firmness of your touch. Initially, you will need to use a light touch and/or avoid direct contact with her clitoris. Placing your thumb to one side of her clitoris may work well.

Your finger inside can press or rub. Do circles, or back and forth. Vary pressure. Don’t worry if you can’t feel her G-spot, you’re in the right place. If she feels uncomfortable or feels she needs to urinate, back off. The urination urge should pass with time, especially if you give her good clitoral stimulation, and especially as she approaches orgasm. (Do this often enough and she won’t feel that urge even when you start.)

Find a coordination of internal and external stimulation that works well for her. Does she want the strongest internal stimulation (pressing in) to match or counter the strongest clitoral stimulation? Does she want the two at the same tempo, or does she want one double the speed of the other?

If you take her to climax this way, don’t be shy. Women can be overstimulated, but it’s not as significant a problem for them as it usually is for men. Her climax can be made longer by keeping the stimulation up through her orgasm. (Ask her to let you know if you should back off.)

If you do this with good lighting you will have a very nice view. Watch how her vulva changes as her arousal level increases, and enjoy the feeling of her vagina clenching your finger as she climaxes.

Image Credit: © Africa Studio | stock.adobe.com & ©  Paul H. Byerly
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34 Comments on “Friday Flashback: Two Fingers of Pleasure

  1. “If you do this with good lighting you will have a very nice view. Watch how her vulva changes as her arousal level increases”
    I have a hard time visualizing how I could see anywhere near her bits in the position that is illustrated. At most I imagine being able to see her pubic mound.

    My DW has a very hard time climaxing with anything other than a magic wand. I can count on one hand the number of times she’s climaxed without the magic wand in the past 10 years. In every case, she was already highly aroused when we started or our situation was significantly different than usual. Realistically, those situations aren’t the norm, and she starts from a cold start most sessions. This means that in the 30 minutes it takes to warm her up, her muscles are already fatiguing. Then there’s her mind not being able to shut off. It’s very frustrating for both of us. She mentioned last time how jealous she is of me that I can get so much pleasure with her with so little effort. It’s hard not to feel like a poor lover when your wife wants to enjoy love-making more but can’t. My thoughts range from “I wish I turned her on more” to “she must not be attracted to me”. I know neither of those are true, but it’s hard to convince myself during those moments.

    • closertotheheart-
      I doubt your wife is in the minority among women in this. I find the double standard on this issue, specially in the Christian community, rather astounding. There are so called “Christian Sex Toy Stores” popping up everywhere and happily supported by Christian marriage bloggers and podcasters. They totally cater to women achieving higher pleasure by bypassing what the husband has to offer and for the most part leaving him out of the action in terms of her pleasure and orgasm. Now believe me, I’m no prude! I’m not against having an exciting, experimental sex life in marriage. Not at all! But someone please explain to me the difference between a woman only being able to climax with an actual physical mechanical device mostly resembling another mans penis and a man looking at porn to experience some excitement in his sexuality. Now again, I’m by no means advocating for men using porn! Far be it from me! But we are all over the “evil” of porn and how it makes women feel like they are not enough for their husband. Well, how do they think their husbands feel when they have trained themselves to respond to vibrations of a toy rather then opening their heart and mind to being sexually present and engaged with the husband. I know, it is much easier to grab for the quick buzz and be done with it, just like it is much easier for him to get a quick exciting visual fix on his screen and not have to make the effort of putting out his emotions and making himself vulnerable. (And please don’t tell me that you, the woman, don’t look like anyone on his screen. That’s the last thing most men look for. The excitement is all in the behavior and attitude!) I know the two are very different but when we consider how very different men and women are, what turns them on and how in both situations they get that turn on from somewhere else rather then their partner, then both scenarios start to look and feel very much the same.

      -I haven’t even touched on what it would look and feel like to a wife if her husband used a “mechanical vagina” in bed with her rather then hers.

      • What would you suggest for a wife who’s capable of climaxing from a toy or just her own fingers, but had to learn it all on her own after more than five years of frustration because her husband was no help and still can’t get her there?

        • @Reiko – It may not be the husband’s fault. If he is willing, he can learn. If he’s not, that’s a problem.

          First he watches her doing it. Then they take turns, each touching her for a few minutes and then switching. The first few times she will climax when she is doing it. Eventually she trades of to him when she is very close and he finishes her. Gradually he will learn to do it himself.

        • I would suggest that you did the right thing. Every woman should learn to do it on her own, but please don’t wait 5 frustrating years to do it. Learn to do it before you’re even married, then teach your husband to do it just the way YOU like it. How in the world is he supposed to know?! Not only does it change from woman to woman, it changes from one time to the next with the same woman.
          Btw, I don’t think it is the husbands responsibility to take his wife to climax. I would hope that he would be willing to do all he can to make it easier for her, but that is a place that only she can go, no one can take her there.

          • @Jay “Btw, I don’t think it is the husbands responsibility to take his wife to climax. I would hope that he would be willing to do all he can to make it easier for her, but that is a place that only she can go, no one can take her there.”

            I’ve always found that a very odd idea. My wife certainly can and does take me there, and I do the same for her. Granted it takes the other person allowing it, but that doesn’t mean the we can’t give our spouse an orgasm.

            • We all have our ideas and experiences in life and marriage.
              Yes, of course she can take you there if you are willing and open and especially when you’ve gone there a million times, long before you ever even met her.
              It’s a little different when a woman is either not willing to go there in her mind or comes into marriage having no clue herself how to get to an orgasm and then expecting her husband to get her there. Believe me, I’ve been there and I know you have too. That kind of expectation is completely unfair and unreasonable to him!

              • @Jay – It is completely unfair and unreasonable to the guy. It’s also completely unfair and unreasonable for the woman. She is not the problem, the wrong teaching she got is the problem.

                • Totally agre!!! And she alone is the one that can now do something about it.

                  • I had no idea until pretty recently (last couple of years) what arousal even was or how to generate it. I don’t know if that was wrong teaching or just no teaching, but it wasn’t even that I didn’t try to play with myself before marriage; I just got nowhere when I did, so I didn’t bother trying more than a few times. I thought we’d learn together once I did get married.

                    It took the vibe to break through that barrier to give me an experiential understanding of what everyone tries so ineffectually to describe, like trying to explain color to a blind man. It felt like a switch was flipped in my head. Even after that, it took months for me to figure out what kinds of thoughts and touches would help me such that I didn’t need the vibe much at all any more, and even preferred not using it.

                    But that was all on my own. Hubby wasn’t helping. I suggested several specific activities to try. I suggested undirected exploration with a time limit. I suggested reading books together. I asked him to keep going when he happened to hit the right spot for the moment. I asked him to be involved rather than just handing me the vibe when it was my turn to get off. I asked him to consider options for outside help. He wouldn’t do any of it, or if he tried, he wasn’t connecting and it was ineffective. He’d complain that his hand hurt or something, or he just didn’t want to. All he wanted was PIV, or if I was unable or reluctant, a HJ.

                    My understanding is that women are generally (not always!) sexually responsive, and that’s been my experience too. But I’m usually not getting anything to respond to. If he’s not really involved anyway, then using the vibe with him there is little more than masturbation, if it works at all. And if it’s harder to get there with him there, I might as well do it by myself, where I’m relaxed enough that I don’t need the vibe.

                    • @Reiko – Thanks for the view from your reality – other women are the same way. I’m sorry your hubby has not been willing to join you.

      • @Jay – First the Hitachi magic wand doesn’t much like any penis I’ve ever seen, and it’s not being inserted.

        null

        The reality is some women don’t climax easily. The reasons for that are many and varied, but it’s a reality. So the two choices are to use a vibrator or just leave her frustrated. Only one of those is kind and loving, and only one leads to a good sex life and a wife who is interested in having sex!

        Some women learn to orgasm from a vibe and then transfer that to sex without a vibe. We know a woman who needed half an hour to an hour with a vibe years ago. Now she can climax in minutes, and can do it from intercourse alone. Not all women move past the vibe, but many do.

        Porn will certainly arouse a man or woman but it’s not like men NEED that to get aroused. The only men who need porn for sex are those who have used it so much they can’t respond to a real woman.

        Yeah, I want my wife to start panting as soon as I touch her, and I want her to have multiple orgasms from my penis alone. I also know that’s a porn fantasy, not reality. What I really want is for her to enjoy sex as much as I do, and if that required an hour with a magic wand I would be all about doing that.

        • Thank you for this reply. I found Jays post to be rather offputting. We all know it is harder for women to achieve orgasms than men and the comparison he was making was awful. Many women wish that they could reach orgasm with just touch. I know my H tries hard but it just doesn’t happen. Thankfully we use toys to help this and he doesn’t make me feel bad about it.

        • Paul, thanks for linking the pic of the Hitachi. That’s what we use and it looks nothing like a penis.

          “The reality is some women don’t climax easily.”
          Following up on my previous comments, I’d wager that these women could climax much more easily if they could shut their minds off to non-sexual thoughts in the midst of making love to their husbands. I’d love to see more attention given to this topic from both you and Lori. There has to be some strategies, and importance given to utilizing these strategies.

          If we’re in the middle of making love and I let myself remember that she’s thinking about something else, I have a hard time wanting to continue. From my perspective, it feels like this special time that we have to work so hard to carve out of her busy schedule (I will make room in my schedule much more easily and willingly than she will) should be something for us BOTH to look forward to in anticipation. :(

          • @closertotheheart “I’d wager that these women could climax much more easily if they could shut their minds off to non-sexual thoughts in the midst of making love to their husbands.”

            It’s certainly a major part of the problem for some women. That’s why I suggested “Learning to focus her mind, to “be present” as they say might help.” below. Of course doing it is far harder than saying it!

            I just mentioned it to Lori, and she said it’s been a very long time since she posted on that.

        • Thanks Paul.
          A few points:
          1- My reference to vibrators resembling a penis. Just look at the add at the bottom of this page by covenant spice.
          2- I agree with your statement that men generally don’t need porn to get arroused. Does that mean women need a vibe to get arroused and because that is the sad reality, it is ok now, even if it makes him feel like he is not enough?
          3- I don’t have porn fantasies about my wife panting and having multiple orgasms. I just want her to be present in heart, mind and soul, to focus on us having a good time and not on when she’s finally gonna have her orgasm. And I’d rather do that for 3 hrs without a wand then for 15 min with one.

          Just so you all can relax a little bit about my tasteless and off putting comment, my wife has a vibe as well, and I don’t make her feel bad about using it, ever. I bought it for her after 10 years of marriage to just try something new. It was great fun, even though she rarely had had problems to have an orgasm in the first 10 years, she rarely has one without it now. It’s all about having retrained herself.
          I totally agree with you Paul that some men have trained their brains to mostly only respond to different kinds of explicit stimuli and it is really sad. But in the same way many women have, or are in the process of training themselves to only respond to that intense stimuli of a viberator.
          However, I totally disagree with you Paul, that there are only 2 choices, 1-to use a vibe
          2-to leave her frustrated
          If that was the truth then all women before the 19 century would only have had the second choice, to be frustrated.
          How about we drop this North American mentality of being so orgasm oriented, as if that is all there is to sex. Who ever came up with this idea that an orgasm is the whole purpose of sex?! It is a wonderful by-product of sex that if we don’t focus on it so much, but freely enjoy each other and be involved with our whole being, it is bound to happen to most people.

          I am not against using a toy to have variety or to learn to orgasm, but when that is the only way someone can or will orgasm, I think it isn’t much different then a man having trained his brain by watching the garbage that to many are into. But obviously that isn’t a popular statement here.

          • @Jay –
            1) The reality is most women don’t use penetration when they masturbate. Making sex toys phallic is really more for men than for women because we think the penis is all that.

            2) Honestly, I don’t care how he feels about doing the only thing that provided his wife with sexual pleasure and release. Okay, I do care, but I care more about her needs. He needs to get over himself and realise it’s only about him if he refuses to do what she needs.

            3) If your orgasm was iffy, if you knew there was a good chance you would get really worked up and not come, don’t you think your orgasm would become a focus for you? This is the reality for some women, and it’s horribly destructive to her sexuality and to their sex life.

            To me a vibe is a tool he uses to pleasure her. If it makes her orgasms easier or removes the doubt of will she this time, why wouldn’t he use it?

            The whole idea of “vibrator addiction” has been tossed around for years. There are plenty of anecdotal stories about it, but what little research has been done doesn’t support the idea.

            For some women a vibe or no orgasm is the choice. For others it’s not, but if the vibe means it’s easier, means they can relax and enjoy rather than worrying. I don’t see that as bad.

            I agree orgasm is not all there is to sex, but if one gets good and horny and does not orgasm that is a problem. It leads to frustration, it reduces the desire to have sex in the future, and it creates fear of not being able to orgasm. And for women doing it often can actually cause physical harm.

            • “The whole idea of “vibrator addiction” has been tossed around for years. There are plenty of anecdotal stories about it, but what little research has been done doesn’t support the idea.”

              It seems to be true for my wife. She’s even mentioned it as something she recognizes in herself. I know in the 5 years prior to getting a vibe, she orgasmed probably 80% of the time we were together, but it took longer. After 10+ years since we got one, she can almost never orgasm with me alone. If I continue to try beyond about 30 minutes, she’ll eventually sigh in frustration and ask to switch to the vibe. Our success rate with the vibrator is about 95%, so it added about 15% and sped things up, at the cost of almost never being able to orgasm without it.

              • MY POINT EXACTLY!!!
                And I’m sure there are thousands more that are experiencing exactly the same thing but would never speak up, because we are men, we don’t get all hurt and cry about the fact that we got replaced by a “tool”. Your percentages are exactly ours.
                I don’t think it’s an addiction, in fact I hate that that word is being thrown around in context to sexuallity so easily. But it is a retraining. Men that masturbate exesively have trained their brain and penis to respond to a hand and not a vagina and that is also just as damaging and devastating to women, when he can’t orgasm in her but needs a hand to do it. Plenty of those around.
                Thanks closertotheheart for making my point so clearly! Hang in there friend.

                • @Jay – What replaced? A nail gun does not replace a man with a hammer, it’s just another way to drive nails.
                  If she is doing in herself I could see calling it replaced, but then she could use her hand to do it herself, so even then it’s just a tool.

                  • What got replaced?
                    -the “hammer”
                    -his effort and skill
                    -his involvement to a large degree. (It used to be all about him and his hammer, now he’s watching someone nailing with a gun. Every once in a while he gets to hold it while his hammer wilts away)

                    But most of all it used to be all about having fun together, figuring out things with what we had but now it’s all about how to get there the fastest way possible. If that doesn’t take the fun out of sex, I don’t know what would.

              • @closertotheheart – First of all you have no way of knowing how things would be today if she had never used the vibe. Changes in her life and body would have made a difference. If she is into perimenopause odds are she would be having a lot more trouble now.

                Even if your numbers are accurate, the question is how your wife feels about that. Is that a good trade of in her mind? Was not climaxing 20% of the time a problem for her? Some women would be fine with that, some would be losing their mind. What about how long it took, was that a problem for her, did she feel she was taking to long (most women worry about this.)

                • As a woman I can say this is very much my experience. It was always easy to achieve orgasm. That changed about 2 years ago, I’m mid 40’s but not perimenopause. 80% of the time, nothing we tried got me there. No matter how long we tried. I often went to sleep frustrated and in tears. I can certainly say that is NOT good for the marriage. We bought a vibe a few months ago and it has made things so much better. I don’t ALWAYS need it, but there are times I do.

                  • @JM0121 – I have suggested it’s a really good idea to have a vibe as a “surefire orgasm” for when it’s needed. And she is the one who says when it’s needed. Knowing you won’t be left horny and hanging makes sex so much better!

                    • It really did take the stress off of me. No matter how hard a woman tries to clear her mind, once you realize how much time has gone by and it’s just not happening, discouragement sets in and makes it even harder. Then as women we start wondering if something is wrong with us,, I mean we could before, why not now? It really is a road that just makes things so much worse regarding intimacy. I guess I didn’t think there were so many men that just think it’s a mind over matter thing. Sadly, sometimes it’s just our bodies changing

      • Jay, while I thought your porn comparison was tasteless and inaccurate, I did agree strongly with this: “Well, how do they think their husbands feel when they have trained themselves to respond to vibrations of a toy rather then opening their heart and mind to being sexually present and engaged with the husband.”
        I think we should work more on helping wives to be sexually present and engaged with their husbands, and work less on crutches that might fix the symptom (lack of orgasm) but not address the real issue.

        • I agree. I am opposed to sex toys, but I am not opposed to sex tools where they are truly needed. We’re not opposed to a tool a man with ED might use to “stay in the game,” so we should be open to tools that help a woman with sexual arousal issues “get in the game.”

          However, just having masturbatory toys or toys for toys’ sake, I,do not like. I want to be one FLESH with my husband. I do not want to have sex with inanimate objects.

          • @libl – Sometimes sex toys make it easier to be one flesh. For example, if a man sometimes loses his erection during intercourse, a penis ring could end the problem. With neither of them worrying about if or when he will go soft, they can focus on each other and the sex act. Lubricants and vibrators can do the very same thing, and sometimes they can do this when they are not absolutely needed.

            • My point exactly, Paul. Thus, they are tools, not just toys.

              • I know you’re probably thinking that I’m just trying to have a counter argument but this whole “toys vs. Tools” is exactly making my original point. We all know that a tool is there to get a job done as fast and efficient as possible and once we’ve experience how little effort it takes to do a job with a power tool, fat chance we will go back to the effort of using a handsaw again.
                A Toy on the other hand is there to engage in a fun activity.
                To me there is a big difference between enjoying a fun sexual activity and occasionally using a toy for it, then to have to use a “tool” in order to accomplish a certain goal. Paul if you think the later so greatly enhances the whole sexual experience, I’d say that only speaks to how low our expectations of a sexual relationship in marriage have dropped as a culture.
                And as for loosing an erection in the middle of lovemaking, who cares?! I’ve lost mainly an erection and my wife had lots of fun getting it back again. I can think of 10 better ways to get it back then to put a ring on it to cut of my blood circulation.

        • @closertotheheart – That’s easy for a man to say, because we have no problem having an orgasm. When a man is willing to only have an orgasm after (and if) his wife does, then he can talk.

    • @closertotheheart – A good view may take a bit of moving and bending, but it’s worth it!

      Some women find it very difficult to reach orgasm. Major props to you for finding what works for her and for being willing to do it.
      Odds are her mind is the primary issue. The Hitachi is providing strong enough stimulation to push past that. Learning to focus her mind, to “be present” as they say might help.

      • Yes, her mind is the primary issue. When she has more difficulty, she also tells me she has a harder time shutting her mind off. I find that so foreign, because I have to force myself to think about something other than being with her when I’m trying to help myself last longer. I can’t imagine not being able to focus on my wife while I’m making love to her! Yes, I do what works for her, but I still try to be the best lover I can be.

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