Is She Hiding Sexual Pain?

Does sex ever cause your wife pain? A study found most women don’t tell their partner about sexual pain. Statistically about a third of women sometimes experience some pain from intercourse, but the majority never speak up.

Is She Hiding Sexual Pain?

If we look at more than just intercourse and expand to include discomfort, we cover the vast majority of sexually active women. It really shouldn’t be that way, and it need not be that way. Occasional minor, short-term discomfort is going to happen, but anything beyond that is unacceptable! So let’s talk about this.

  • Your penis is tough compared to her vulva and vagina. Even the head of your penis is much tougher than most of her bits. 
  • In addition to being delicate, her bits are sensitive. Her clitoris is more sensitive than any part of your penis, and everything between the outer lips is much more sensitive than the shaft of your penis.
  • Her vagina does adjust to accommodate you, but it’s not like a bit of foreplay makes her a superhighway ready for your big rig to go full throttle. When you enter her, go slowly. Going halfway in then most of the way out before going all the way in can help move around lubrication and give her body time to adjust. When you get all the way in stay still for tens second before you start gentle thrusting.
  • Men need friction to cross the finish line, but for women, wetter is better. Friction does very little for her, and too much of it will result in her being sore the next day or even during sex. If you’re well endowed or engage in prolonged intercourse additional lube is a must, and adding lube is a good idea for most couples regardless. This is true for foreplay too; if she’s not good and wet you can easily irritate her. Check out the wide range of lubricants over on Covenant Spice – it shows you care! (BTW, a lack of lube can increase the chance of her getting a UTI or a yeast infection.)
  • Don’t think a lack of natural lube is about you, because it usually is not. Because of hormonal fluctuations, medications, and other things, she can be so aroused she has to have right now and still not be well lubricated. A few women are wet almost all the time, and others will never lubricate that much. Most are variable, and it’s not an accurate indication of arousal or interest.
  • Fast and furious is great for you, but not so much for her. She may enjoy it when she’s close to climax, but before that it’s more likely to cause discomfort or pain than pleasure.
  • Ask her if she sex is ever painful, and encourage her to let you know if it happens. Sometimes all it takes a minor change of position or stopping for a few seconds. Whatever it takes, do it.

And while we’re here, let’s talk about anal sex. My take is the Bible says nothing about anal sex between a man and his wife, and I’m not qualified to add to the Bible. However, the reality is most women (72%) report pain from anal sex. And we’re not talking just a few seconds of discomfort. I’ve had a lot of men tell me how it doesn’t hurt if you do it right. If that’s true then clearly a whole lot of people are not doing it right. The reality is the majority of women find it painful.  If your wife says it hurts, please believe her, and please put her not being in pain ahead of your pleasure. 


Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States | PubMed

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7 Comments on “Is She Hiding Sexual Pain?

  1. I think the biggest thing is ask your wife! Opening that communication door is very caring. I think men don’t because they will feel obligated to adjust sex or not have sex if their wife complains of pain.

    Having pain during intercourse can make a wife feel like a total failure and that her husband would have been better off marrying someone else. We know that one of the big reasons many men get married is for the ability to have sex, and when it doesn’t work out well, it scares us. It scares me silent and I endured pain.

    As for anal sex, I do believe the Bible covers it under sodomy, that it is the sin, and deviation from God’s created order. It goes against the early church’s teachings, and is medically dangerous. I thank God that my husband is totally against anal sex. Why shove anything up the exit point when you have a perfect vagina God created and designed to be utilized for sex?

    • I can only speak for myself, but I totally don’t understand being silent about pain or any other thing about sex that you don’t like with your husband. Husbands love the woman they choose to marry, and while the excitement about getting to have sex is immense, I just can’t imagine a husband not wanting to know that his wife isn’t enjoying it. I think this is just another product of women believing that sex is solely for the man and that she isn’t supposed to like sex anyway. If I ever meet the first mother that told her daughter to “close your eyes and think of the queen” in heaven, I’m going to give her a piece of my mind. If you are a mother, please don’t give your daughters any kind of idea that sex is just something you do for the husband. It’s time we ended that.

      • @Brian – Thanks for showing how men think about this. That women do it the way some do tells us a sad story about how women are taught. It’s part of the “sex is just for men” lie.

    • @libl – I think men don’t ask because it never occurs to them. He never feels pain, and if he did he would make a change and/or say something. He assumes she is the same, so her silence means it’s all good.

    • @libl – As for sodomy, that is an English word that is not a valid translation of any Greek or Hebrew word.

      The anal sex prohibited in the Bible was homosexual, not heterosexual. As I said, nothing in the Bible addresses anal sex between a husband and wife.

      Personally I think it’s a bad plan for a variety of health reasons, including but not limited to the pain. However, there are couples who do it (and mutually enjoy it) for years without any problems, so I can’t make a blanket medical reason to not do it. Because the Bible is silent I won’t call it sin. I follow the same rules of understanding what the Bible does and doesn’t say even when I don’t like the results!

      • This is precisely what drives me absolutely crazy about Christians, they take something they don’t like, such as anal sex , and find a biblical justification for it which doesn’t exist and try to create rules around it; but then they ignore very clear biblical directives. The Bible does not address anal sex,and it absolutely did exist at the time, but it absolutely does address braiding your hair and wearing clothes of blended materials specifically…..

        If you don’t like anal sex, don’t have anal sex, but don’t start creating sin rules that don’t exist….if I remember right, adding to the word of god is another specified sin.

        • @mykidsmademedoit “…don’t start creating sin rules that don’t exist….if I remember right, adding to the word of god is another specified sin.”

          I agree with you 100%. Of course those who do this will deny that is what they are doing.

          One important question is “Why didn’t God mention it?” God is silent on abortion and cocaine because they were not a thing when and where the Bible was written. I have no idea if heterosexual anal sex was a thing back then, but oral sex certainly was. So adding a rule on oral is suggesting God missed it.

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