A while back there was some discussion in the comments both here and over on The XY Code about women who had multiple partners before marriage. Some men suggested such a woman was irreparably damaged and would never want or enjoy sex with her husband. Not being a woman, I could not challenge this from personal experience. So, I phoned a friend! The result is this guest post by J Parker.
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Part of my redemption story involves moving from a premarital promiscuous past to a marital monogamous present. While I wish the change had happened like “Beam me up, Scotty”—one moment here, one moment there—I actually walked a long road to arrive at the sexual intimacy God wanted me to have.
PREMARITAL PLEASURE
I’ve analysed my past enough to understand all the reasons I chose to have sex before marriage with multiple partners, but one reason is that it felt great.
God created us as sexual beings, and being touched, turned on, and brought to orgasm are good sensations. To say I didn’t enjoy the physical experience of sexual activity with past lovers would be a lie. But that’s not the same as saying that it was good for me. Or that I didn’t have serious regrets.
We’ve all done something pleasurable in the moment that had poor consequences later—eaten too much food, imbibed too much alcohol, purchased something we wanted but couldn’t afford. We may be momentarily happy with our action, but that high fades.
Being able to engage in sex and orgasm doesn’t mean enjoying the whole kit-and-caboodle. Because of my decisions, my body was misused, my heart was injured, my soul was stained. Yeah, it felt good in the moment, but it was just that: a feel-good moment.
MOVING INTO MARRIAGE
Fast forward to finding my beloved and getting married. We had a very active sex life early in marriage, with plenty of pleasure and orgasms. Yet, I felt something lacking.
Was I comparing my husband to former lovers? No. While I hadn’t forgotten my past, I wasn’t comparing, and even if I had, he would have won that contest. Had my sexual interest waned now that I was married? No. I was able to experience sexual bliss, but I simply felt something was missing. Did my internal stress over sex have anything to do with my husband or my love for him? No. It didn’t.
Truth was, I carried baggage from my premarital promiscuous past. Sure, I was having a great time in bed with my husband, and I knew God was in favour of our sexual intimacy, but I was holding back part of myself. Though I’d confessed my sin and repented, I still viewed myself as a sexual sinner and hadn’t fully accepted God’s forgiveness.
Moreover, I’d learned from my past that when I had sex, I needed to protect my heart. It was one thing to be physically present with a guy, but another thing altogether to be wholly present—mind, body, and soul—with him. Even if that him was my husband.
EMBRACING GOD’S DESIGN
Let’s turn that time clock again, moving forward several years. Once I realized what kept me from feeling fully engaged in sexual intimacy, I could work through it. I use the term “work” not because it was gruelling labour, but rather because it required effort on my part, including the effort of accepting God’s clean slate for me.
My story is similar to many I’ve heard from other wives who had sexual partners before marriage. How difficult the shift is depends on the wife, but by and large, we feel bad about premarital sex—in a way many guys just don’t. So it can be hard for a husband to understand why current marital intimacy is affected, especially if the wife clearly enjoys sex in the moment.
What makes the difference is how a wife views herself. Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point (Paul has shared research from a Finnish study on this point ). But one might then ask if Christian wives have it worse because we carry guilt from our past that can hamper sexual interest in our present. Well, is it worse to feel guilt for your sin, struggle with your actions, repent and receive forgiveness or to never admit you were a sinner and need Jesus’ sacrifice and salvation? I’ll go with the first one, thanks.
As Christians, what we need is to understand God’s design for sex in marriage, which includes forgiveness for our past sins, vulnerability not only with our bodies but our full selves in the marriage bed, and the experience of not merely pleasure but one-flesh intimacy. And, may I add, that sex is not just for him, but for her to embrace completely—arousal, pleasure, orgasm.
THE MARRIAGE BED IS BETTER
Look, I don’t want to have sex with my husband the way I did with past lovers. That young woman was desperate for physical affection, used sexual prowess to mask insecurities, and felt empty when it was all over. As I write this, I’m tearing up, wishing I could hug that woman and explain what God longs for her to have instead.
But I’m not that young woman. My premarital promiscuous past, the sin that tried to claim me, didn’t win. I’m not unaware of what I did, or who I did, but my past lovers haven’t hurt my ability to fully enjoy sex with my husband. To me, it feels much like Joseph’s pronouncement to his brothers in Genesis 50:20: “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good.” Once I let God use what I did to teach me His better ways, the very best path opened up to me.
J. Parker is a Christian author and speaker who blogs at Hot, Holy & Humorous and uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster godly sexuality. She has penned four books on sexual intimacy in marriage, including Pillow Talk: 40 Conversations About Sex for Married Couples.
Image Credit: © Nikolai Sorokin | stock.adobe.com & J Parker
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Thank you for your transparency and frankness on this topic.
Happy to do it! Thanks, Drew.
Excellent post and thanks for your transparency that I’m sure The Lord uses over and over again to help others find the forgiveness, healing and wholeness they need from and only in Him! Food for thought as we interact and share with the broader culture…one thing that I find, unfortunately, is the norm…any past premarital sexual relationships were not with “lovers” (one or many). In God’s design, Love, is always selfless with not a shred of selfishness in it. He desires this for us but when we choose to go outside of his purpose and design and engage in promiscuity, we are always being selfish and have broken from His plan…i.e., in sin. Therefore we are not engaging in love, simply lustful sex…even if we’ve been with and dated or engaged to the person(s)! The only real Love is within His design…all else is lust and sin because it requires being in His Truth to be in real Love. This changes nothing else in your post as forgiveness, wholeness and fulfillment are all found in Christ as He redeems and restores us completely. But it does help culturally as we share with and teach/disciples others, no matter how difficult it is, that we not mistake even really good and “heart-felt” lust for love. BTW – the website submitted is brand new and only reflects a template, not yet ready for public disbursal but will be finalized and ready soon, Lord willing. Thanks again for a great post and make it a great day in Him!
It sounds like J Parker was always a basically sex-positive person and, while it may have required some intentionality to make the switch in her perspective, she was not overcoming a lot of shame over her past that had to be dealt with in her marriage.
My wife had sex with just about every one of her boyfriends and got pregnant by two of them. She did not tell them or her parents and got her friend to drive her to the abortion clinic. She kept that quiet for years into our marriage until eventually it came out after she agreed to give her testimony to a women’s retreat. The leader of the church’s abortion recovery group told her that it might be a good idea to tell her husband before sharing in front of the women at church. No kidding, right?
Contrast that with my purity culture upbringing and overall sexual paranoia on my part and you can imaging how unbelievably dysfunctional our sex life was. That was over 20 years ago. And while I would love to say that her involvement in the abortion recovery group was a smashing success, apparently there was a wee bit of an oversight on their part in that they failed to get the husbands involved in the process unless they were the fathers of the aborted children.
I guess since I had nothing to do with the abortions I was considered irrelevant to the recovery.
So now I struggle to deal with my own feelings and how I’m supposed to get healing for my own sense of being betrayed. Betrayed by not being given the heads up before I married her that I was going to be inheriting a mountain of sexual and emotional baggage and betrayed by the incompetent premarital counseling we were given. Then there was the feeling of being betrayed by my parents and the church for making me falsely believe that my virginity would redound to my benefit once I was married.
To this day, I question how it was I benefitted. Better sex life while in marriage? Don’t make me laugh.
Twice we’ve been to counseling and the first time the abortions never came up. The second time they came up but the counselor seemed poorly trained as to how to deal with it. I think he expected us to fit some boilerplate that says that sexual problems are always because the husband is not sensitive enough and being too demanding and the wife would be more willing if he were more romantic. It never occurred to this particular counselor that there are those husbands who actually completely shut down and never ask because bringing up sex is such a beat down. It also never occurred to him that her sexual past might actually be relevant to our sexual problems. If he did that he might run the risk of actually suggesting to my wife that we probably need to have sex more often. Perish the thought.
So no happy endings in this marriage, in either sense of the phrase.
To RickyB…seen this far too many times and praying for you and your wife as often as The Lord will lay you on my heart. However, it doesn’t negate J. Parker’s recognition, repentance, along with her receiving and moving forward in Christ’s forgiveness and freedom. Praying for you and your wife. I wholeheartedly agree with your comments regarding involving men (fathers and husbands as they are willing) involved in the counseling process with post-abortion. Many pregnancy clinics are doing that these days. Has your wife ever checked into a post-abortive Bible study and discipling program (they have them in many ministries for men/husbands/fathers as well)?
Very difficult circumstances and hope and pray that you receive this next statement in the grace and mercy that it is extended. God’s design and plan for marriage is “naked and unashamed” and the enemy uses any and every form of “porneia” and shaming to try and destroy His plan. However, none of our circumstances, situations or relationships changes God’s Truth. Keep pressing into or seeking Him and I pray you find that freedom and forgiveness as you extend it to others.
I was a virgin before marriage, my husband was not. He lied to me about it and we were over four years into our marriage before I found out. His mother called me by his former fiancé’s name. I also didn’t know he had a former fiancé.
I asked his who was this woman that his mother called me by her name.
He finally came clean about his past. He’d had two prior sexual relationships.
It was quiet a blow. I had been in a competition for the first four years of our marriage and didn’t even know it.
We have never had a good sexual relationship. Even before I knew about his past.
I have since seen a picture of his former fiancé and she is so much more beautiful than me. She broke it off with him.
I know I don’t measure up to her beauty and I’m pretty sure I don’t measure up to her sexually.
My husband has never said that she was better, but he also has never said anything that made me feel like I was satisfying him.
I made the mistake one time in asking him to occasionally tell me I’m beautiful. He said he couldn’t.