Every so often in the comments, someone tries to convince me that porn is not so bad, or is okay, or sometimes justified, or even that it can help a marriage. I’m not buying any of this, but usually, all we do is trade opinions and walk away. This post is to prove that porn is inherently harmful to marriages.
Trying to base things about porn on facts is tricky because almost everyone has an agenda. Most studies by Christians are designed to prove what they have already decided is true. This means the studies are sloppy and filled with errors that make them useless. Those who are pro-porn also do this, and additionally, they do “studies” that are nothing but asking people who use porn what they think about it. They report that the majority of those who view porn don’t think it hurts their relationship. This is as useful as saying most people who smoke don’t think it hurts their health.
Then there is the cry that correlation does not mean causation. This is valid, but I’ve seen it used to dismiss studies that addressed that. A lot of the attempts to counter studies that show porn is harmful remind me of the cigarette companies when I was a kid saying there was no hard proof that smoking caused lung cancer.
Below are excerpts from a number of studies I think are fairly well done. All of these are secular studies and several made efforts to show causation. Note that SEM stands for sexually explicit material
- Higher frequencies of SEM use were associated with less sexual and relationship satisfaction. 1
- The frequency of SEM use and number of SEM types viewed were both associated with higher sexual preferences for the types of sexual practices typically presented in SEM. 1
- Individuals who never viewed SEM reported higher relationship quality on all indices than those who viewed SEM alone. 2
- The only difference between those who never viewed SEM and those who viewed it only with their partners was that those who never viewed it had lower rates of infidelity. 2
- Higher pornography consumption was related to lower commitment 3
- Participants were randomly assigned to either refrain from viewing pornography or to a self-control task. Those who continued using pornography reported lower levels of commitment than control participants. 3
- Pornography consumption was positively related to infidelity 3
- These results suggest that sexually explicit material can provoke intimate extradyadic behavior via its effect on perceptions of alternative partners. 4
- [For women] higher activation of the pornographic script during sex, rather than simply viewing pornographic material, was also associated with higher rates of insecurities about their appearance and diminished enjoyment of intimate acts such as kissing or caressing during sex with a partner. 5
- Both the frequency of SEM use and number of SEM types viewed were uniquely associated with more sexual experience (a higher number of overall and casual sexual intercourse partners, as well as a lower age at first intercourse).1
- We found that the probability of divorce roughly doubled for married Americans who began pornography use between survey waves, and that this relationship held for both women and men. 6
So, porn results in more promiscuity outside of marriage, and higher rates of infidelity in a relationship. Those who don’t view porn have higher relationship quality. Those who watch porn experience lower relationship commitment, but temporary suspension of porn use increases commitment. Porn changes sexual preferences, and the more you view the more your preferences change. Porn makes us think there is better sex to be had with others, pushing us to cheat. Porn can cause a woman to worry about her appearance and reduce her enjoyment of sex. Finally, starting to use porn puts a couple at double the risk of divorce.
I realise those who have decided to view porn may reject this information. This is human nature. But if you really look at the facts, it’s clear that porn use is playing Russin Roullet with a gun that has more than one bullet.
1 Associations between young adults’ use of sexually explicit materials and their sexual preferences, behaviors, and satisfaction
2 Viewing Sexually-Explicit Materials Alone or Together: Associations with Relationship Quality
3 A Love That Doesn’t Last: Pornography Consumption and Weakened Commitment to One’s Romantic Partner
4 Pornography, Relationship Alternatives, and Intimate Extradyadic Behavior
5 Pornography and Heterosexual Women’s Intimate Experiences with a Partner
6 Till Porn Do Us Part? A Longitudinal Examination of Pornography Use and Divorce
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Could not the same association with undesirable outcomes be attributed to alcohol? Yet many regularly enjoy alcohol without the commonly attributed maladies. Likewise Scripture does not ban alcohol but in some instances commends it. It goes without saying, many alcoholics will blame alcohol for their “addiction.”
I would agree porn is generally associated with negative outcomes but once again the problem is not with porn but the individual. If you watch porn and then go and cheat on your wife, please don’t say “the devil made me do it.”
@Doug— you are proving Paul’s point, no? Defending porn and arguing how the problem is not porn but the individual? Sorry but porn is NoT like alcohol. Drinking alcohol is not a sin, drunkenness is, the Bible is clear on that. In contrast, there is not a small amount of porn that is ok! Jesus said that if a man even looks at another woman to lust, that’s the same as committing adultery.
@Tory, consider the verse you referenced in which Jesus is specifically talking about adultery – a man lusting after another man’s wife. This was mentioned in the command not to covet. Christ’s point was to make men see sin of the heart not just outward sin. He was not giving us a mental principle to follow. That is he was not saying it is wrong for an unmarried man to lust for an unmarried woman. I would contend that Paul is picking from these studies the things he wants to post. The same study referred to in point two makes this statement: “These results clearly do not suggest a benefit of viewing SEM together, but also do not suggest that it is associated with lower relationship quality or detrimental in some way.” The truth is viewing porn together as a couple can have benefits. It is when porn is viewed in isolation that problems usually arise.
@Doug – The part you quote doesn’t say it’s safe, it says the study didn’t prove it was harmful. But other studies that looked at that specifically said it was.
The Bible has done far more damage to my marriage than porn ever had.
@Tony – I’m sure you believe that, but it can’t be the case. If you were both doing a halfway decent job of being the kind of husband and wife the Bible tells us to be, your marriage and sex life would be great. A biblical sex life looks like the Song of Songs, not a cold Victorian only-to-make-babies kind of thing.
I have no doubt lies and distortions about what the Bible says have hurt your marriage, and I’m sorry about that. But abandoning the Bible because some have misconstrued it won’t make your marriage better.
@Paul.
I also want to point out that I don’t agree with some of the pro-porn comments and the splitting hairs over whether any kind of sex with any one (male or female, married or not) would have been allowed under the old or new covenant. I believe sex was designed for marriage and any form of physical sex outside of marriage is not according to Gods design. Even though most couples, even Christian couples, do not live up to the standard that any “arousal other then your spouse” is permitted, specially when one looks at the dating or courtship period before marriage. We also have plenty of stories in the Bible of where sex outside of marriage happened, even among godly people that were used greatly by the Lord. Some even claim that the Song of Solomon contains an element of premarital sex. I’m not claiming that but it is not entirely clear as to at what point they get married and whether some of the sexual activity actually happens before. At a minimum it is quite evident though that there is strong sexual attraction and even arousal happening before marriage, which would make it arousal from someone other then a spouse. I understand that in that culture engagement and weddings were done very different and often a couple had sex and moved it together and were considered to be married.
As for the results of the studies you cited, I would like to point out that I noticed on several occasions it was mentioned that the studies were done on unmarried young people and unmarried couples, some even just on their weekend behaviors and/or interaction with each other.
IMHO the results of such studies could significantly differ when done on a noncommittal dating relationship vs a long time married couple.
Just my thoughts. Not trying to attack anything or anyone.
@Mr J – King David committed both adultery and murder. That does not make either of those okay. And He paid for both sins in big ways.
SofS is not written in order. This was a common form of poetry when it was written. So no, it’s not talking about non-marital sex.
Why do you want to grey the lines? God really is not ambiguous about this.
Yes, sex studies on singles give different results I’ve mentioned this a number of times. Some of the studies I cited did look at long-term couples.
So what is your point? The title of the post was “Porn Is NOT Helping Your Marriage!” Do you disagree with that?
@Paul. First of, I sense allot of hostility towards me. It feels to me like you’re trying to provoke me to say something so you can trash my comments again and claim to have been attacked.
I totally agree with your King David point. That was my whole point too. Lots of nasty things happened in the Bible, some of them being ordered by God that seem to make little to no sense to us in our society. Many of them had severe consequences, some maybe not so much. Some still were not portrayed as necessarily good but when you try and imagine for example King Solomons castle with 300 wives and 700 concubines, that makes the playboy mansion look like child’s play. Not saying it was good, just pointing out that God used him greatly and yes, in the end he said it was all vanity.
I’m not trying to grey any lines! But the older I get the more I realize that not all lines are black and white. It’s funny that you accuse me of this when my kind and wonderful and very Christian Wife has the hardest time sometimes to understand why I am so black and white.
Another line that isn’t so black and white is Onan. We all believe that God would never ask someone to do something as wicked in our society as asking someone to go repeatedly have sex with your deceased brothers wife. Like, what the heck?! If I was asked to do that I would seriously consider disobeying God, even just to avoid my wife’s wrath, never mind my children, my church, my neighbors, etc.
As for your last point, first, I just pointed out that you used a study that was done on on single young people in low to no commitment relationships to try and apply it to marriage.
As for do I believe Porn does not help marriages? For the most part I do! The way and the kind of porn that is being used most of the time is NOT helping marriages! But to me in my experience it is not as black and white as for you. The reasons for that is that
not everyone would agree on what constitutes porn. At one point in our marriage my wife wanted to check out a website dedicated to teaching about women’s pleasure. There was nudity and very explicit demonstrations. Many would see that as porn and sinful. She claims, and has told me that often, that it was worth every dollar because I had become a master at pleasuring her. Btw, full disclosure, it was quite arousing. Not the women in the videos, but the fact that my wife was interested in our sexual growth to the point of doing something so unconventional and a bit awkward.
@Mr J – Hostility? No, not even close. I have been frustrated by your not making it clear what you believe, but whatever. You clearly don’t see porn to be as wrong as I do. You have the right to feel that way. I’ve seen too much devastation done by porn to be okay with it.
The majority of your comments have been posted. They all got caught by the filter, and we had some matters of concern around here that took a good deal of my time and emotional energy, so it took a while to deal with them. (BTW, everything is fine.) Most of what never became public complained about things not being allowed. One comment that was otherwise fine started with that, and I removed the part about that so the comment could be posted. When this kind of thing gets posted folks start taking sides, defending me or attacking me for what I allow or don’t, and that does no good for anyone. I long ago learned that it’s a no-win thing and so I don’t allow it.
Apparently seeing what God says as black and white makes me legalistic. I don’t agree, but I don’t really care if you think that.
Thank you!
To me it’s not so much a matter of black and white but rather a matter of understanding clearly what the Bible teaches. I’m not saying that it’s necessarily legalistic to call what God said, black and whit, but it can be. While I have not experienced the devastation of porn to the extent that you have, I have seen and experienced the devastation of miss understanding what God said, or deliberately twisting it into legalism and using that on people. When Tony said yesterday that the Bible had caused his marriage far greater harm then porn ever did, my heart ached for him. But I didn’t dare say anything because in your mind I’m sticking up for porn again. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I don’t know his story and don’t this for certain but he sounds like a man made bitter by legalistic Christianity. Unfortunately I know to many like that. I know that Jesus fought legalism possibly more then anything else, for sure more then sexual immorality. And it bothered the legalistic elite a great deal.
I know that you think of me as a loosy goosy, anything goes kind of a guy, but just like alcohol, specially in teenagers (that’s why we have laws to protect them), porn is a very dangerous thing as well and we desperately need laws to protect your people as well!
I’m doing all I can to protect mine, and the most effective thing so far is not to have rules and laws around it but rather an open relationship with where they know they will not be hit over the head with the sin stick. I don’t think I’ve never told them don’t look at porn because it’s sin. But I’ve begged them to stay away from because of how it can ruin so much of their future love life. And they know that they can come and tell me if they ever fall into that trap without me getting angry or reacting to it.
@Mr J – I just read over all your comments, and I think I overreacted. I thought you were trying to argue that porn does not harm marriages, but when I look carefully I don’t see that – not exactly. I’m still not sure what you believe, but I don’t see you promoting porn as a good thing.
My apologies.
@Doug— sorry no. Jesus did NOT say that looking at another man’s wife was lust, but if the man/woman was unmarried, it was totally ok! He said “whosoever looks at a WOMAN and lusts after her has already committed adultery in his heart.” Jesus never lowered the Old Testament standard, but raised it. Are you really trying to convince yourself and us that it’s only lust if you’re married or are looking at someone married, but if you’re single it’s ok to look at naked people that you’re not married to??? Do you think it was an oversight on Jesus’ part and that lust was strictly a married issue? Look, I’m not judging you if you like porn. I’ve watched porn myself and I get the appeal. Just don’t lie to yourself that God doesn’t have a problem with it.
@Tory – Spot on!
Yes, I believe this for sure. Just looking at another human of the opposite sex and thinking lustful thoughts is the same as committing adultery.
What if it was the same sex? Then it’s not sin?
What if there was no lust involved?
What if a heterosexual man watched a video of a fully clothed woman, possibly even the wife, give a man a hj or bj?
Nothing and no one to lust after. Then it wouldn’t be sin?
@Mr J –
1 Really? Not stating something is wrong doesn’t make it right.
2 If a person looks at porn they get aroused, and there is lust.
3&4 Are you trying to play games with God?
@Paul
YES! REALLY!
In case you missed it, there was a question mark behind each QUESTION!
When people make oversimplified comments I like to ask questions to make them think. I thought this was supposed to be a place where we can openly ask questions and have healthy debate, even if you don’t necessarily agree with it. I guess not!
Btw, 3 and 4 are exactly that, not playing games with God, I constantly hear people asking “Is this sin or is that sin?” And your simplistic answer is “If it’s lust, it’s sin!” I have no problem with that, if it is lust! The question is, when is something lust? You say if it is arousing. Ok, I remember a time decades ago when I was particularly starved by my wife’s refusal, the neighbours at my friends place were going at it and you could hear everything through the wall. I was incredibly turned on by it! I guess I sinned.
Another time, same starvation period, I had a full blown orgasm on my barbers chair who was a man about 25 years older then me who I had ZERO lust or attractions for (I am 100% heterosexual). Him combing and cutting my hair was just to much and I blew a load into my pants. Embarrassing? Yes! Sin? You tel me
While camping and hiking (still starved sexually) I walked in on our camping neighbours having a great time on a log out in nature, completely naked. Embarrassing for them, instant high arousal for me. I guess sin too?!
My whole point is, this legalistic approach to trying to find the the line of what is sin and what isn’t, rather then helping people overcome damaging patterns in their life isn’t helping.
@Mr J – If you seek out something other than your spouse to get aroused, that is sin. Period.
If you stumble on something and turn both your eyes and your mind, you have not sinned. If you keep looking or fantasising about it, then it’s sin.
You can deflect by calling this legalistic, but Jesus was very clear about this. The sin is about our heart condition, not some set of rules where we can find a loophole. Jesus made it clear that hate is spiritually as bad as murder, and lust is spiritually as bad as adultery.
As for damaging patterns, viewing porn qualifies.
Actually Tory, that’s not the point that Jesus was driving at all. He was speaking as an old covenant preacher, raising the standard of the Law of Moses to an even higher level than Moses gave himself. For instance, Jesus said that if you look, at a person with lust, then you’re an adulterer. If you call someone a fool, then you’re a murderer and in danger of the fires of the hell. He said that if your tongue causes you to sin, the rip it out and if your eyes cause you to sin, then gouge them out. Jesus even told the rich young ruler to give away everything that he owned even though he tithed faithfully as a religious Jew.
Is any of that Good News? Of course not, it’s bad news on steroids — the worse news that any human being could receive.
Whenever any person in the Gospels appealed to Jesus on the basis of the original Law of Moses (Version 1.0), Jesus would answer them (the rich young ruler, teachers of the law, religious Jews), on the basis of the Law, and then would raise it to even a higher standard than any human being could achieve. I call it “the Law of Moses, Version 2.0”. That’s what the purpose of the Law is: to grind people in the dust and show them that they are hopeless and helpless in the strength of their flesh to keep any law so that they may enter into Christ by faith — not their flawless rulekeeping.
What you’ve put forward here is a very common theological trope in Christianity — that looking with lust at anyone is literally adultery. It’s wise to avoid to sexual lust for a number of reasons but it’s clearly not the same as adultery. How could it be? — no else is involved except the person lusting (remember, it takes to two to tango?). If we take the word to mean any more than that, then we have to re-define what adultery actually is.
If Jesus’ point wasn’t to try to nail every married person in the history of the world as adulterers and adulteresses, then maybe he was trying to make a different point? Jesus’ point was that you cannot mix the New Covenant of Grace with the Old Covenant of Law because the demands of the Law can never be satisfied or atoned with the fleshly efforts of men. Only the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus can set people free.
Conflating adultery and lust is just a form of legalistic proof-texting.
@Ed – I agree with your point. But additionally, Jesus was showing us how impossible it is to lead a sin-free life or to get to heaven on our own.
@Ed
You absolutely nailed it!!
And in doing so, you never actually whitewashed the whole challenge of lusting and the negative effects that porn often have. Well done!
I find that in a similar way that Christian teaching has to a great extent eliminated most of the sex drive and freedom to express sexuality for women, this idea propagated by many Christian counselors and educators that lust equals adultery, in an attempt to empower women against their “lusting” husbands, has basically just given them a really big stick to beat him down with, without ever really having to deal with the causes.
Mr J “this idea propagated by many Christian counselors and educators that lust equals adultery”
You mean something Jesus actually said in so many words?
“has basically just given them a really big stick to beat him down with, without ever really having to deal with the causes.”
It is the men who should be dealing with the causes. We hurt our wives and women in general with our ungodly expression of sex, and then we get upset at them for not liking it or putting up with it?
I’m all about grace and understanding (see the post linked below) but that does not cover ongoing sin and a lifetime of wrong choices.
@Paul.
You must be reading a different bible then then me.
Mine says:” everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
That is very different from “equals adultery” which usually is then accompanied by “reasons to a biblical divorce”. I’ve heard it a million times.
“ It is the men who should be dealing with the causes.”
I’m not saying he shouldn’t! But if she refuses to deal with her side of it, we just have another Andrew sleeping in the basement for 2 years.
@Mr J – Jesus was very clear that what matters to God is the condition of our hearts.
The passage was telling the legalistic Pharisees who thought they were clean because they only lusted and never touched that they were dead wrong.
@Paul. Yes, that is one way of looking at it.
Another way is that the Pharisees knew deep down in their hearts that they were not clean but by doing things according to the law of Moses (which Jesus referenced), no one would think they were unclean. We all know they were extremely legalistic. Every part of their life they had a law for and it needed to be followed to the T. There were 100s of laws. For sure not all given by God or by Moses and not all were just to limit life, but also to give them a way around doing things they knew were wrong but by following said laws they looked holy and righteous in the eyes of the public. Some of those laws revolved around marriage and divorce. They had many that justified divorce. Even just burning dinner was one of them. So if a Pharisee saw a woman that appealed to him more then his wife, (in other words he lusted after her to have sex with her, he could use one of these laws to divorce his wife and go marry the one he had seen and lusted after before and now have sex with her. These things happened and quite quickly.
To expose their evil hearts, Jesus pointed out that the first step in this whole wicked charade was that they had “lusted”, looked at a women they wanted to have sex with that was not theirs to have. And just like wanting something that your neighbour owned so bad that you’d be willing to steal (robbery), or being so angry at someone that you’d be willing to kill him (murder), just looking at a woman with lust with the intent to have her sexually was the same in their heart as if you’d gone and done it without all their made up laws.
You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of lthe cup and the plate, that the outside also may be clean. Matthew 23:26 ESV
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8 ESV
The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:45 ESV
For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. Rom 10:10 ESV
AMEN!!
@Doug – I’ve given a lot of data, and I will stick with that. The scriptures do “ban” lusting after women who are not your wife.
Absolutely.
If there is one thing I’ve learned in this crazy world of studies and polls and “research”, first thing to ask is “who made them?” because most findings and results can be made to say whatever you want and you can poke a hole in most of these.
I also know that Tory here is gonna accuse me of trying to defend porn, like she just did with Doug. I’ve never defended Porn here or anywhere else. However, I have defended people that use it or have used it, in that it’s not the same for everyone, it doesn’t affect everyone the same way and that the reasons for using it are very similar or often even the same between men and women, given that their circumstances are the same.
So I’m gonna have a little fun with Paul’s conclusions of these studies.
-Higher frequencies of SEM use were associated with less sexual and relationship satisfaction.
(I would totally agree on this if the use of SEM was done in secret by only one partner. If it’s done by both together, it could also demonstrate a level of openness, honesty and absence of judgement that most Christian marriages strangely don’t have.)
-The frequency of SEM use and number of SEM types viewed were both associated with higher sexual preferences for the types of sexual practices typically presented in SEM.
-Individuals who never viewed SEM reported higher relationship quality on all indices than those who viewed SEM alone.
(No kidding! So what came first, the chicken or the egg? As many here, including Tory, have shared so often, could it be that the reason someone looked at SEM was because the relationship quality was so low?!)
-The only difference between those who never viewed SEM and those who viewed it only with their partners was that those who never viewed it had lower rates of infidelity.
(Same with this. There is a very high likelihood and possibility that people who view SEM are governed by a completely different set of morals then those that don’t. Let’s not forget that adultery has been around for millennia while SEM as we know it for less then a century. What does happen quite often is that in an attempt to improve or spice up a challenging or dying relationship, couples resort to watching porn together to create a change, and more often then not, it’s not working.)
-Higher pornography consumption was related to lower commitment
(Possibly but not necessarily! Could also be that lower commitment was related to higher porn consumption. And the list of reasons for lower commitment could be endless and porn use very far to the bottom, often coming years into the erosion of the commitment. We’ve heard plenty of stories from both men and women about that here. All though I’d be interested to hear from any one here, that has used SEM of some form in the past, which pretty much is all of us: Was your commitment towards your spouse lower during that time?)
Participants were randomly assigned to either refrain from viewing pornography or to a self-control task. Those who continued using pornography reported lower levels of commitment than control participants.
(That is a total NO BRAINER! People with lower self control have lower commitment! Ask anyone that signed up for a gym membership on January 1 and made a commitment to a healthier diet vs the buff guy that’s been going to the gym for 20 years.)
Pornography consumption was positively related to infidelity
(Yes! Because people who screw around increasingly like to feed that mindset while they have nobody to screw around with)
-These results suggest that sexually explicit material can provoke intimate extradyadic behavior via its effect on perceptions of alternative partners.
(Sorry, have no clue what that means and don’t have the time to look it up! So I’ll say “Sure”)
-[For women] higher activation of the pornographic script during sex, rather than simply viewing pornographic material, was also associated with higher rates of insecurities about their appearance and diminished enjoyment of intimate acts such as kissing or caressing during sex with a partner.
(These are such ridiculously obvious and common observations. Has anyone ever heard of impostor syndrome? Look it up if you haven’t. Care to guess what humans struggle with it the most? The most skilled and brightest of our community. Doctors! I know because I’m married to one. This has very little to do with SEM. It has to do with expectations that people think others out on them. Ask any teenager, they will tell you all about it.)
-Both the frequency of SEM use and number of SEM types viewed were uniquely associated with more sexual experience (a higher number of overall and casual sexual intercourse partners, as well as a lower age at first intercourse)
(While it wasn’t my experience, I constantly hear and read of Christian men who were exposed to porn as children and thus often began a 20-30 year addiction to all kinds of porn. For most their current wife was their first and only partner and they would never dream of cheating on their wife with someone else. The same goes for many others that started looking at porn later in their marriage because they were sexually starving to death in their marriage. I’m not saying it’s right. Just pouting out the obvious. )
-We found that the probability of divorce roughly doubled for married Americans who began pornography use between survey waves, and that this relationship held for both women and men.
(I don’t doubt that. Individual secret porn use is often an indicator of an unhealthy or deteriorating relationship. The question again is what came first, the chicken (porn) or the egg (deteriorating relationship)?
If it’s the egg, quite possibly it hatched into a chicken!)
@Mr J – Much of what you said was discussed in the studies, and some of it was controlled for.
You missed the point on the 6th one. Some were asked to stop looking at porn, the rest were given a self-control task. Those who stopped looking at porn showed improved commitment to their partner. This is a pretty sound cause and effect since who did each was random.
At best, porn use is an indicator of a problem, rather than the cause of it. So it’s still a concern. But some of what I said has been tracked down at the cause, not the effect. And some of the rest is a vicious cycle.
@Paul.
You will defend your post and your position and that’s fine. You do seem to have a hard time though giving credit when someone actually makes a valid point that would refute or contradict the point that you’re trying to make.
My whole point was, (and I believe I made it well) that studies like this can be conducted in a way to make the point that the researchers set out to make, by highlighting certain factors and ignoring or deliberately avoiding other factors that would contribute to the same outcome. This doesn’t just happen in non-scientific studies, it also often happens in highly scientific ones. Except that scientific ones, specifically in medical science, such studies have no credibility until they are peer reviewed, during which process allot of this none sense is being weeded out.
But another point that I’d like to make additionally is that in the non-scientific studies, like the ones you cited, a blogger like yourself can now take the results of that study and pick out one finding that fits the point they are trying to make and publish it to their readership as if it is the only conclusion that was made.
For example: A blogger that looks at SEM from a point of view of whether it can be beneficial for a relationship or not, but to whom the whole “sin” aspect is a none issue, could take the second study you cited and use a conclusion that you conveniently left out: “Those who viewed SEM only with their partners reported more dedication and higher sexual satisfaction then those who viewed SEM alone”. Just like you made your conclusions out of study #2 (point 3+4 on your post), they could make the conclusion that if you want higher dedication and higher sexual satisfaction in your relationship with a partner that is using SEM, agree with them that you will do it together if they will agree to never do it alone. If these studies are as good and true as you claim, then that advice would work too.
Again, my point here is not to make any SEM appear good, helpful or harmless. I’m not even making the point whether it’s sinful or not! I am no one else’s judge. My only point is that most studies can be made to say what ever you set out to prove, but more importantly the results of such studies can be used in even more deceptive ways.
@Mr J “My whole point was, (and I believe I made it well) that studies like this can be conducted in a way to make the point that the researchers set out to make”
You do raise I addressed that in my post, right?
If you read the studies, including the discussion sections, you find a lot of back peddling to try to soften what the findings say. It’s pretty obvious the people doing the studies are not against porn, and did not set out to prove it’s bad. Others stated they were looking to confirm or deny previous studies. That’s how science works.
Yes, solo viewing harmed dedication and sexual satisfaction more than viewing with one’s partner. But it still had a negative effect. It’s less bad, not good. When porn viewing stopped, things improved. That kind of says it all, I think.
There is no doubt in my mind that porn use is sin, and that it harms marriages. And because I care about marriages, the damage porn does is a big deal to me. The studies were to help convince those who have ears to hear.
This is the most spot on information I have read regarding Porn use. I whole-heartedly agree. This is just common sense. I wish my husband would see it that way. Heartbreaking, actually.
A man was drowning in despair from a sexless marriage. Falling to his knees he cried out, “Lord, please help me become a lover my wife craves!” Just then the doorbell rang. It was a college kid trying to sell subscriptions to Passion Flix. “Get lost!” the man barked. Later, he logged on to his computer and was immediately greeted with a huge Pornhub invitation. He quickly hit the X. Stunned by the explicit pop up, he got up from his computer and walked outside to check his mail. Sifting through the stack of junk mail a postcard-like piece broke free and fell to the ground face up. There stareing him in the face was an ad from Audible.com promoting their Romance book club. Aghast, the man stumbled backwards and was immediately hit by a passing car. Instantly he found himself in the presence of God. Confused, he asked God, “Lord, why didn’t you help me?” The Lord replied, “I sent you a poor college kid, a cookie, and some fire starter…The driver of the car was your wife.”
@Doug – No, God does not suggest sin as a solution. That would be the voice of the deciver.
Women don’t fantasize for men to be like the guys in porn. None of the sex there is for the women.
In your example, a much better thing would be “hero in Hallmark movies” or “guy who is good with kids.”
sunny-dee, the things you listed are no doubt fundamental relational qualities, but they are not the essence of what fills the plethora of romance novels written and consumed by women. If this is all a woman expects of a man I would suggest her expectations are much too low and she is not experiencing the level of sexual ecstasy that God created her to enjoy.
And I suppose if I was desperate to pay my mortgage or electric bill and begged God for provision, He would send me a gun, a ski mask, and an uber to the bank for a robbery…..
Lol. Fair. Yet not many romance novels feature a stud baptist preacher. Want to learn plumbing? Work with a plumber. Want to fly a 747? Learn from a pilot. Want to be a better lover?❤️
@Doug – If porn was even halfway real that might work. But what you are suggesting is like learning to drive by playing Grand Theft Auto.
Thinking porn is real and is something a real woman would enjoy is a sure way to mess up your sex life.
I am recovering from porn addiction and am here to say that it had a huge negative effect on my relationship and my own emotional well being not to mention we are commanded by God not to lust after no one except our wife. The road goes deeper. The more I used porn the the greater the degradation into porn and even the temptation and desire to find someone else. I am thankful by God’s grace He kept me from fulfilling all my desires and it never happened. As far as the emotional side I became more isolated and introverted than I already was. I hope this is helpful.
@Trucker Jay – Thanks for the testimony. And thanks for the bravery to deal with the issue. You have my prayers.
Note that biblical adultery is dependent upon the status of the woman. Biblically, a married man can have sex with an unmarried woman and it is not biblical adultery. However for a married woman to have sex with an unmarried man, this would be adultery, biblically speaking. This grates against our modern concept of equality. Biblical adultery is not just sex outside of marriage. This needs to be kept in mind when deciphering what Jesus meant when he compared matters of the heart.
@Doug – What you say is an incomplete, and therefore inaccurate portrayal of the situation under the Old Covenant. It is completely wrong under the New Covenant.
Yes, under the law adultery meant the woman was married. But that does not mean sex with a single woman was okay. If you had sex with a single woman you were either guilty of rape, or you were forced to marry her and could never get divorced.
The Greek word for adultery that Jesus used means at least one of the people is married. So a married man who lusts after any woman other than his wife is guilty. What’s more, the word Jesus used for woman only means wife if a possessive is added. If Jesus meant “another man’s wife,” He would have said that, but He didn’t.
As for any suggestions that adultery in the heart is not a big deal, God is ALL about our hearts.
@Paul, thanks for the additional details. However, if Jesus meant to address more than just men lusting after other men’s wives it seems he would’ve said, “whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery, rape, or fornication with her in his heart.” Yet since he didn’t it seems we don’t have liberty to expand beyond what is written. This is beyond the point of Christ’s instruction. This verse has been stretched to oblivion in order to place mental chains on men and women.
@Doug – As you are determined to justify sin, I am done.
@ Paul.
Thank you for your last comment to me with your apology. Accepted!
For some reason I wasn’t able to reply to it.
In the same spirit I want to acknowledge that I was hard on you about the survey. And I’m sorry it caused you emotional distress.
As for where I stand, clearly I’m not 100% where you are, except when it comes to unmarried young people, then I am 110% where you are.
I strongly believe that SEM of any form has a devastating effect on unmarried young people. It equally can have a negative effect on married people using it solo and in secret against their spouses will.
I would like to point out though that the term “porn” means different things to different people. And therefore if it isn’t clarified before, it triggers different reactions. To some it means disgusting hard core stuff and to it means a Mark Gungor talk. Honestly, I’ve had some say to me at church after a Mark Gungo video presentation, that there was way to much porn in it. 🤷🏼
My point is, poeple see SEM differently and may not always agree with us on our version of it.
@Mr J – You did not cause me emotional distress – that came from a health matter for Lori – which turned out fine and she will post about it soon.
The definition of porn is certainly an issue. How-to videos may not be, although I’ve seen some that certainly looked to be gaming to be porn. It would have helped for me to define the term for this post.
Your article is well written and very factual, and I say this because I have experienced it first hand. My husband started watching porn at an early age, and did not tell me this when we married. He kept it from me, and lied about it when I asked if he watched it. For over a year we did not have sex at all because he was watching porn and masturbating numerous times a day! He gave me every excuse under the sun as to why he did not want to have sex from low testosterone to physical problems like diabetes (which he does not have – he is quite healthy). He adamantly told me he was not masturbating or watching porn whenever I asked him. I have chronic pain problems, and at that time was going through some difficult pain issues. However, I still wanted to make love to my husband. Finally, he admitted it to me when I kept asking him. I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, insecure, but most of all hurt that he lied to me and preferred masturbating to making love to me. I am still working on trusting him, and at this time we are working on our marriage as a whole. I have a PhD in nursing, so I am not uninformed. It is a lot more difficult to deal with when it is you versus a patient. Bottom line, porn is not healthy for marriages. Most men do not know how to draw the line (as with any addiction), and continue to want more and more. Porn changes the brain, and like any addiction, requires more and more to provide the dopamine “rush” for the individual. It is a difficult addiction to treat.