I recently tossed this marriage tip out on the social media platform formerly known was Twitter:
Mercy talking and mercy date nights are as good for her as mercy sex is for you. #MarriageTip
If something is important to your wife, doing it under duress, complaining about it, or being grumpy as you do it are a good way to make her sorry it happened. Of course, that’s probably your intention; make it so miserable for her, she won’t want to do it again. Before you tell yourself that’s not why you do what you do, check to see if you’re being honest with yourself.
The next time to do something “just for her” go out of your way to be engaged. Make it as good for her as you can, and don’t complain. Treat it the way you would like her to treat having sex just for you.
In the last week, I’ve had discussions about “mercy sex” on both The XY Code and The Marriage Bed forums. One of my initial thoughts when I hear men complain about mercy sex was echoed by several women accused of providing such sex.
Let’s start with a definition:
Mercy sex is sex, coital or oral, given to a guy for comfort reasons rather than because of desire or love. ~ urbandictionary
It’s also called pitty sex. The issue is that the reason for the sex is not what the man thinks it should be.
The problem with a man proclaiming something as mercy sex is it means he is making assumptions about his wife’s motives and thoughts. And those assumptions are based on his male thinking and his own fears and doubts. That means there are plenty of reasons why he may be getting it wrong. I’m not saying mercy sex doesn’t exist, but I suspect a good deal of what is seen as mercy sex is something else.
I do a lot of things for my wife because I love her. I want her to be happy. I want her to enjoy life. I enjoy giving her pleasure be that coffee, a walk, a back rub, chocolate mousse, an orgasm, or helping her care for a whole lot of rabbits. I don’t have to want or enjoy what I do for her to happily do it, and I enjoy it because she enjoys it. Couldn’t your wife having sex when she’s not horny be an act of love? She knows you want it, so she does it because she loves you.
Now think a bit deeper. If she has sex out of love and you complain or act dismissive, how does that make her feel? She did something loving and you dumped on her. That doesn’t encourage her to be loving in the future and it certainly doesn’t encourage her to keep giving you sex out of love. It seems to me that accusing her of mercy sex could very well move her from loving sex to mercy sex.
Unless she has explicitly told you, in so many words, that she’s giving you mercy sex, you seeing it as that is based on assumptions. What gives you the right, much less the ability, to judge your wife’s unspoken motivation?
Look, I get it. Sex for two is a lot more fun than sex for one, and being wanted is great. But sex given out of love is not a bad thing!
What if “Mercy sex” is an incorrect term that makes something good seem more meh?
What if she says yes to sex when she has no interest because she loves you and she wants to give you what you desire?
If that’s the case, how do you think it makes her feel when you rejected her offer as not good enough, or do it and act less than interested?
There have been a handful of times when Lori was eager for sex and I was just too tired to care. On those occasions, I gladly took care of my wife’s desires. It was not out of obligation or mercy, it was because I loved her. I enjoyed those sex acts even though I didn’t climax, and I would have felt sad and a bit rejected if she had said, “Never mind.”
I think a lot of men are assuming motives that don’t exist when it comes to her providing sex apart from her own raging desire.
“Mercy means I am so deeply grateful for the forgiveness I have received that I cannot help offering you the same.” ~ New Morning Mercies: A Daily Gospel Devotional by Paul David Tripp
That bit of text stopped me cold when I read it. If we reverse what’s said there, those who don’t offer forgiveness don’t understand the mercy God has given us. The grace, mercy, and forgiveness we express is a direct measure of how well we understand what God has done for us.
Might be worth considering the next time you don’t show grace or mercy, or say you can’t forgive.
Perfection is always a problem, and one area where it can do great harm is our sex lives.
If your wife feels she never does well enough, she may stop trying. That doesn’t necessarily mean she stops having sex, but it will mean she won’t put effort into making it what you want it to be. Can you blame her? If her best efforts aren’t enough to please you, why should she put herself out just to be a failure? It is fine to let her know what you want, but be reasonable, and be grateful for what she’s doing now. Thanking her, especially when she makes an extra effort, will encourage her to try even harder. Understand that she has neither a penis nor a male mind, so she doesn’t know how either works or how to best pleasure them. Give her help learning about your mind and your body, and encourage her as she learns.
The other side of this is turning down an offer for sex because it’s not what you want. There are several problems with this:
You can send the “you’re not good enough” message I warned about above.
Rejecting any honest offer is bad form, and it reduces the chance she will make such an offer in the future.
If you say you’re really horny, then turn down a hand job, what does that say to her? Will she believe you the next time you tell her you “need it bad”?
Quality sex is born out of quantity sex; the more you have, the better it gets.
Judging if she “means it” or is just offering “mercy sex” is a bad plan. Accept what she says at face value.
Sex is a great way of bonding, and maybe she needs that even more than you need release.
Please don’t let perfectionism limit your sex life!
When your wife does something annoying, do you react or respond?
Reaction is about emotion. We react when we’re moved by things such as fear, pride, and jealousy. Reactions can come from parts of our past we haven’t dealt with. Reactions are strong, even violent, and can easily get away from us. Reactions may get us what we want in the moment, but long term they don’t serve us well.
Response comes from our rational mind. It’s thinking, reasoned, and calm. Responses can be based on wisdom, understanding, grace, and love. Responding builds relationships, putting us in a better place with our wife.
You and you alone decide if you respond or react. However, both are habits, and deciding to move from a habit of reaction to a habit of responding will take hard work. At first, you’ll slip up when you’re tired or stressed. Keep at it; you’ll get better and better at responding even in the worst of situations.
Responding is the mature way to deal with things. It’s also the powerful way of dealing with things; those who respond are never at the mercy of those who react. Additionally, those who react are more easily manipulated than those who refuse to react.
How many orgasms a week would it take for you to be sexually satisfied?
Actually, it’s a trick question – because not all orgasms are created equal.
I recall the first time Lori made me come; I lost all desire to ever again do it myself because what she did was so much better. I doubt it was better physically, as I’d done it a great many times, and it was a new thing for her. But when she did it I also experienced mental, emotional, and relational pleasure. The mix of those made it far better than anything I could ever do myself. There is even science to back this up. A study found that the prolactin release from intercourse is five times as great a that from masturbation. As prolactin is believed to be a hormonal indication of sexual satiety, this means intercourse with your wife is far more satisfying than solo masturbation.
I’ve not seen a study of other couple sex acts, but I suspect some would be better than others. Of course, there’s more to it than that. A slow handjob from an involved wife is going to be more satisfying than a mercy quickie.
If you want sex more than your wife, it’s easy to fall into the number trap. But if you think about sexual satisfaction in terms of number of climaxes, you’re missing it. Three good orgasms could be far more satisfying than half a dozen of lesser ones. If the frequency of sex is limited, then working for the best sex possible is the path to being more sexually satisfied.
Last month I talked to the women on The XY Code about the sexual signals they use rather than communicating openly about sex. In most areas of life, men are less into signals and hints than women, but sex is an exception.
Perhaps you use signals and hints thinking it is more likely to get you what you want. Maybe you know it’s not as effective at getting sex, but it eliminates angry responses or offers of mercy sex, so it’s worth it. And you may be sending sexual signals unconsciously.
The problem with hints and signals is your wife may not read them as you intended. For example, the image I used here would be considered crude by some women and would be a turn-off, not an invitation she wants to accept. Innuendos can be the same. If you use a lot of innuendos when you want sex, you may be pushing her away. Pointing at your penis or putting it out there for her to see is likely even worse.
I’ve heard a number of women complain their husband gets grumpy when they don’t get sex. As I man I understand why this happens. But I can certainly understand how it could make a woman think her guy only wants her for sex. Guys who are especially nice when they want sex may communicate the same thing.
Veiled comments about how long it’s been since you had sex or how infrequently sex happens is another “hint” that’s not going to get you what you want. Doing this in front of others is an especially bad plan.
Then there’s the good morning poke. I know it feels great to push your hard penis up against your wife. Unfortunately, a lot of women see that as a demand. If you just want to enjoy the sensation without needing it to result in sex, then explain that to your wife and ask if she would be okay with it.
Touching, grabbing, talking about, or attempting to uncover her sexy bits will not be received well by many women. These things tend to make her feel like an object, not a person.
And finally, announcing “I’m horny” is probably a bad plan. Especially if she is a mom and is sick and tired of the kids saying “I’m hungry”.
The best approach is to clearly express what you want. Bonus points for making it sound like you want sex WITH HER more than you want her FOR SEX.
