Other Women Influence Her Sex Life

Recently as I was reading a post on the Awaken Love blog I was reminded that what a woman does or doesn’t do in the privacy of her bedroom is influenced by what other women think. Everything we do is influenced by social pressure, but this is truer for sex than most things, and the effect is significantly greater in women than men.

Other Women Influence Her Sex Life

If she thinks most women would find some sex act wrong, gross, or weird, she is far less likely to do that thing. And if you talk her into trying it, she will find it difficult to enjoy it and might freak out if she does enjoy it. Attacking this by telling her that others are wrong or what they think doesn’t matter won’t help, and it might make things worse. 

The good news is sexual peer pressure works both ways. If she hears other women talking positively about sex, it will change her thinking for the good. That is where something like Awaken Love comes in. A class by and for women that says sex is good and to be enjoyed is a powerful thing. Likewise for any sex-positive female individual or group. Changes may make time, but if she stays connected with women who are all about sex, she will be affected. Do whatever you can to encourage your wife to hang with sex-positive women.

Another great resource for this is Sex Chat for Christian Wives. It’s four great sex-positive women doing a podcast, and they are celebrating their one-year anniversary. I don’t know an easy way to drop this in conversation, but if you can get your wife to listen I pretty sure it will bring about some changes.

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Friday Flashback: By What Standard Do You Judge Your Marriage?

By what standard do you judge your marriage?

I sometimes hear “Our marriage has its problems, but compared to others …” In my mind, being better than average means very little – especially when the average is so bad. Marriage is in a sad state in most parts of the world, so average isn’t a good standard.

Friday Flashback: By What Standard Do You Judge Your Marriage?

Beyond that, even if the average weren’t so bad, do you want to settle for average? Don’t you want your marriage to rock!? Don’t you want to have the best marriage of anyone you know, or at least be well on your way to that?

Low standards lead to low results; if you want the best, you have to aim for the best. Start by setting a standard. Find a couple you admire, a couple who clearly love each other and are greatly enjoying their marriage. Watch that couple, and learn from them. If possible, spend regular time with the couple. Then keep your eyes out for other couples who seem to have a good marriage. Add what you see to your standard, and continue to aim ever higher.

[This post first appeared May 3, 2010.]

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Ready to Do Something About It?

“Are you tired enough of being busy and ready to do something about it? Are you ready to take a stand against the culture and do what’s sane? Are you ready to fight for this because it’s vital?” ~ Me – Oct 26, 2015

Ready to Do Something About It?

I’ve been going on about margin for a number of years now, with 86 posts in the margin category. However, I do know how difficult it is to accomplish. The problem with making more margin in your life is it requires saying no to things. It means not filling every waking moment with something. It means letting folks down by saying no when they really want, or even validly need, you to do something.

I see this as a marriage issue because when we don’t have margin our wife and kids get cheated. We find a way to meet most of our other obligations figuring our family will understand. This becomes a habit and our family learns that they don’t matter as much as others. That’s not the message we intend to send, but it’s the only reasonable conclusion when the desires of others come first time after time. 

Margin is about having free time, time that hasn’t been promised to anyone or anything. Some of that time will get sucked up by things that come up. This is good because it means we don’t have to steal time from our wife and children to do those things. The rest of our margin is ours to enjoy as we choose. As Richard Swenson, M.D., author of the book Margin says, “life happens in the margins“!

A note on Amazon links: In order to comply with Amazon’s affiliate TOS, book links now redirect to a web page. You will need to then click the book link on that page. I’m working on a way to avoid this for the blog site, but it will have to be this way for emails. Sorry for the extra click, but thanks so much for using our links so we get those affiliate payments!

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Near Death Life Changes

I heard this story from a relative of the man involved, who I will call George. I’ve read some news reports to get the facts right. 

George went for a three-day hike in a national park. On Saturday, his second day, some dirt gave way and he fell 150 feet into a small canyon, breaking one ankle. Fortunately, George was well prepared both with knowledge and gear. The reports I read said he did everything right. He knew he couldn’t climb out. He also knew no one would be looking for him before Monday as he would not be reported missing until Sunday night. So on Monday, he started firing his 45 revolved a few times a day. Wednesday afternoon searchers heard him shoot, and that got them close enough to see smoke from his signal fire. After four days he was hoisted out by helicopter. He started with 14 gun shells and had five left when he was found. George is a man of faith, and he credited his faith with helping him stay calm and do the right things.

Near Death Life Changes

What the newspapers don’t tell is what Paul Harvey would call the rest of the story. George knew his situation was bad. If he wasn’t rescued before he ran out of bullets it was unlikely he would be found alive. He had not given up, but he was realistic about it and had written goodbye letters to his wife, his several pre-teen children, and other family members. George looked death in the face and walked away without any lasting physical issues. However, the event did change him. His focus became more about his family and less about his success in business. He made some decisions he wouldn’t have made before, including turning down an offer that would have meant more money but also more time at work.

What happened to George made him reconsider his priorities. He decided family was more important. He redefined what it means to be successful. I doubt he would use the word, but it seems to me that he decided margin was more important.

If you had faced something like this, how do you think it would change you? Can you imagine that for a while and then make those changes without having to fall 150 feet and spending four days alone wondering if you would live?

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You’ve Gotta Say NO!

The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.” ~ Warren Buffett

You've Gotta Say NO!

I’ve seen this quote before, and I ran across it again the other day. It’s a perfect fit for my “Year of Margin” focus. When we do too much, we don’t do anything well. Among other things, we don’t do marriage well when we’re doing too much. People who are too busy don’t have awesome marriages and people who can’t say no don’t have great sex lives.

Do you need to learn to say no? 

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Harness The Power of Pictures

Pictures have the power to transport us to the past. They also make us feel what we felt when the picture was taken and that can be a very good thing.

Harness The Power of Pictures

Spend a bit of time sharing pictures from happy times with your wife. Also look for a couple of particularly powerful images and have them framed and put where you will both see them daily.

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33.002734 And Counting

Yesterday was my 33rd anniversary. And they said it wouldn’t last!

33.002734 And Counting

Actually, I suspect plenty of people said, or at least thought, that our marriage wouldn’t last. I doubt anyone thought we would manage a great marriage and then start teaching others how to do likewise!

There were certainly plenty of reasons to doubt our marriage would be good. We married less than a year after Lori filed for divorce from a bad marriage. We were a blended family from day one. I was working nights, while Lori had to be up during the day because of our daughter. Our income was low (I suspect we qualified for food stamps) and we had no savings. For different reasons, Lori and I both lost most of our friends and support networks in the year preceding our marriage, and the new friends we made were on the other end of a large city. Then there was her abundance of sexual abuse which hadn’t been dealt with and my former porn use which was still affecting my sexuality in ways I denied. Statistically, we had virtually no chance.

However, we both loved God and wanted to do things His way. This and this alone is why our marriage not only survived but thrived. At our one year anniversary, we were a disaster, but by our fifth, we were doing well. By our tenth anniversary, we were doing great and we were starting to get training to help others.

I tell you all of this to say no matter how bad your marriage might be, God can fix it. Or more accurately, He can help you fix it. If you’re willing to pray and work at it, it can happen. Set aside your history, your pride, and how you think things should be and let God move you into a thriving marriage!

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Current TMB Survey:

Men’s Sex Changes With Age  How has sex changed for you over the years?

Great tweet of the week:

If you need to apologize to your spouse, just do it. Be humble, and don’t keep the hurt going any longer. @SongSix3

Links to blog posts that stood out to me this last week:

Blessed Are The Pure Of Heart

Your Dying Spouse 441 – The Last Lesson ◄ I agree with Andrew, this is what life should be about.


The Curmudgeonly Librarian

“Stop pressuring me!” ◄ Great thoughts on love and providing.


Fully Well

Three Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Stay Married Not what you think.


The Generous Wife

Nix The Negative Words ◄ Think before you speak!


Heaven Made Marriage

Don’t Be Fooled – It’s All Connected ◄ I have some bad news about some of your boxes…


Intimacy in Marriage

5 Signs a Wife is in a Sexual Desert ◄ If you’re not feeling a lack of sex, there’s a good chance you wife it!
The 3-Second Phrase Every Marriage Needs Regarding Sex ◄ Getting radical here!
3 Ways the Church is Wrong About Sex. And How We Can Get it Right. ◄ All dead on!
Does Your Husband Want You to Be More Sexually Assertive? ◄ Might be a post to forward to your wife.


Kevin A Thompson

Step One in Marriage: The Creation of Us ◄ Have you done this? Are you SURE?


The Romantic Vineyard

Overlook Ahead ◄ Give this a try!


Shaunti Feldhahn

3 Reasons Your Wife Won’t Tell You Exactly What She Wants ◄ All I can say to this is… sigh.

Valentine’s Her Way: Sex

If your wife is into sex, then be sure to make sex part of Valentine’s Day. This is especially important for you fellows with a wife who has a higher drive. Don’t leave her wondering if you still find her desirable – show her how much you desire and enjoy her sexuality!

Valentines Her Way: Sex

On the other hand, if sex is a difficult issue in your marriage, your wife may not see sex as much of a gift. And she certainly won’t see you expecting sex as a good thing. It would be an act of loving sacrifice to let her know you are willing to celebrate Valentines in bed, but it will be okay if that doesn’t happen. 

Below are some links that could help make Valentine’s sexy – use wisely!

Valentine’s Coupons: Fill in whatever you like and print them out. One set is for gifts of sex, if that’s appropriate for your marriage.
Melt Massage for Couples: Great PG rated videos that teach you how to give an awesome massage. This is a gift that really will keep giving. The massage moves taught here aren’t sexual, but they’re sensual, and that can lead to a happy ending!
Honoring Intimates: “Shop without shame this Valentine’s Day!” Really nice lingerie, good prices, and no nudity. Use code AWESOME10 to get 10% off through Feb 14th.
Covenant Spice: A great selection of sex toys, lubes, and other items without any nudity.

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