Touch is very important for all of us, as it affects our bodies and minds in profound ways. The same attitudes fears or damage that make sex difficult also cut a woman off from receiving touch. A truly non-sexual massage is a way to help your wife learn to accept and enjoy touch. It can also be a way for her to learn to trust you. What follows is specifically written for men who’s wives have difficulty with sex. If you don’t have such problems, you can modify this accordingly, but don’t underestimate the benefit of giving your wife some much needed touch with no sex attached. Any woman will benefit from and be blessed by massage. Also, don’t under estimate how arousing non-sexual massage can be for a woman who is sexually healthy!
In order for massage to work with a woman who has trouble with sex, it must be TOTALLY NON-SEXUAL!! It may take a while for her to relax and believe it’s not just a “trick” to get sex, but perseverance should win out. The “rules” are this: A whole body massage is just for her. Make it very clear that you only want to bless her. You don’t want, nor will you ever be willing to receive, anything in return. In addition, massage is NEVER, NEVER TO BE FOLLOWED BY SEX. Set at least a 2 hour “no sex” limit after massage. You should wear something to cover your genitals (you will get aroused, but this should not be “advertised”). Again, if she does not need or want such a limit, do without it.
To start, have her shower, or better yet, take a long hot bubble bath (prepare it for her, and leave her alone to soak). Have her lay face down on a beach towel on a carpeted floor (better than the bed, you need a firm surface). Have a small pillow for her head, and another to put under her legs just above the feet – a hand towel over the pillow will protect it from the massage oil. Use a good massage oil (see below), and apply the oil to your hands, not directly to her skin. Start at the top with her shoulders, and work down, slowly! Learn where she carries tension, and pay special attention to those areas. When you reach her feet, turn her over, and work back up to the head. Avoid her genitals. A brief, light massage of her breasts may be OK later, but avoid this to at first. Finish with her face. The hands and feet are especially important, spend extra time on them, but be careful with the feet as they are easily tickled. Use a firm touch to avoid tickling, but be careful, too much pressure in the wrong place can cause pain. Remember, relaxation is the primary goal. If you really want to get into it, go to the library and get a book on massage. A good thorough massage should take at least 30 minutes. Say very little as you work, let her concentrate on a type of touch that she can enjoy. Be sure the room is warm enough for her (which will be too warm for you). When you finish, lay next to her and snuggle (be sure not to “poke” her if you’re still aroused). Speak softly and tell her you love her. Let her just relax and enjoy.
As to method, in general you are safe to work with/along her muscles, moving towards the heart. Let her tell you how much pressure, and take her word on it. Firm pressure will help relieve tension, but very light strokes are also enjoyable – try a mixture of both. Try moving from one area of the body to the next in this way – as you are finishing one section, do some long strokes that include the next section. Slowly move to strokes that are mainly the new section, with a few that do both, and then to just working the new section.
Oil: Always test any massage oil to make sure there is no allergic reaction – apply a small amount to a sensitive area like the inside of the upper arm or the breast and wait a day. With plant oils there will be no allergic reaction unless you or your spouse is allergic to the plant. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t use peanut oil, etc.. Store bought oils are likely to have additives and preservatives, so they may be more prone to cause a rash. Sunflower oil is said to be almost allergy proof, so try that if you are unsure or have a problem.
Most of what you can buy isn’t very good in my opinion; you might want to make your own. I like 40 % walnut oil and 60% safflower oil as a base, but any edible oil will work. You could use straight cooking oil just fine, but a nice blend feels better for both giver and receiver, and scent adds a nice touch. You can play with the mix; some oils have more “drag” than others. I’ve seen sweet almond, grape seed, sesame, soy, and sunflower oil mentioned by those who give massages. An almond and sesame mix seems to be fairly popular with masseuses – it’s light, glides easy, and washed off easily. You can use vitamin E oil to thicken the mixture, it won’t take much, or olive oil, it will take more than the E.
Add a small amount of scented oil – you want essential oil, not extract. The essential oil goes a long way since you will use 1 to 3 parts essential oil to 100 parts of base. Peppermint, which has a cooling feeling and tends to make one more alert, is exceptionally strong, so use just 1% with peppermint. Sandalwood is great for calming someone, and can be mixed more strongly as it’s fairly subtle. A variety of essential oils are now available in many drug stores and grocery stores. Store oil in the fridge, and float a small squeeze bottle of it in hot water to warm it for use. Be sure to test any oil with an essential oil added, as a skin reaction is possible.
NOTE: Please login on-line and add your ideas on this! I’m no expert, just learned by doing.
For those of us in the USofA, income tax returns are due four weeks from today. If you tend to be doing such things at the last moment, in a panic, please see getting them done early as a gift of service to your bride.
There was an error on the e-mail address I gave earlier. To e-mail me hit reply to an e-mail, or use the “Contact Me” link in the right column of the web site. I have two seats left at our table for the With This Ring dinner.
Donation links for e-mail – these work!
If you live near Anaheim, CA:
Lori and I are sponsoring a table at the “With this ring” banquet on Thursday April 23rd and would love a chance to meet some of you. Yes, you will be told why you should consider giving to what we feel is a great cause, but dinner is on us, and it will be a great evening.
We have 4 seats left, going to the first two couples who e-mail me.
If you are interested, e-mail me ASAP at paul_AT_themarriagebed.com (replace the “_AT_” with “@”).
With This Ring Water For The Thirsty Dinner Banquet
Thursday, April 23, 2009
700 West Convention Way
Anaheim, CA 92802
Yes, this is a plea for money – so click delete now, go to the bottom for information on donating, or read on.
In December of 2007 Lori and I felt we should cut down on the time we work outside of marriage related ministry so we could put more time into marriage related ministry. As a result of that we now put in only 40% as much time in the paying job as we did previously – with a matched drop in income. The bottom line is what we do takes time – I’ve put over 100 hours of work into the new Generous Husband web site and system, and will have a good 40 plus on the Generous Wife site. Then there’s the articles, the message boards, and more e-mails than we can currently answer.
If you think what we do is worth having done, and that we do it well, please consider helping us out with a tax deductible (USA) donation for our support. How about $5 a month, preferably given as one $60 donation a year (less work for us and lower fees)? Or more or less as you feel is right and good.
Thank you so much for helping us do more of what we do!
Paul & Lori
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Having “quality time” requires feeling good. If you are grumpy, tried, distracted, or otherwise not able to give your all, how can you share quality anything?
Your surroundings also matter when you spend time together. Find a peaceful place free of the distractions of your hectic lives. A room or place filled with pleasant memories primes you for more of the same.
Sometimes it takes only a small change to make a big difference. When our son was a baby, Lori and I would go sit on the front porch after he was in bed. Leaning against the door, we could hear him if he cried, but we were outside in the dark, listening to the crickets and other sounds of the night. How much better this was than being in the living room – where she felt cooped up in all day. It was also better than the bedroom where my thoughts went to things she could not enjoy until she relaxed and connected with me.
Put some thought into this, and then talk with your wife about it. A few small changes could make a big difference.
Had a great time Friday and Saturday with a wonderful man of God who has and continues to teach me so much about what it means to follow God.
In discussing marriage, and how God sees our wives as his daughters, my friend told how God had shown him that he had for years failed to give his wife the attention and communication she needed. When he arrived home from work, his first question was something like “What’s for dinner?” How much more she needed “How was your day?” – followed by listening an interacting.
Note for those who receive the tips via e-mail: I’ve done some work to get the HTML version of the tips looking better. Among other things, the text is now bigger. If you do not want formatted text or images, change to the text only version. To do that:
Go to the web site
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Select Plain Text and Full Post
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“Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.” 1Pe 3:7 NKJV
If I were to narrow that verse down to the nitty-gritty, I’d say it says “Be understanding of your wife, and honour her, or God may ignore your prayers.”
The Greek word rendered as “hindered” is Ekkopto, and it literally means “cut off”. Most of the uses of this word in the New Testament indicate the pruning or cutting down of a plant. So, if we are not acting rightly towards our wife, the Lord “cuts off” our prayers.
What does “acting rightly” mean? Probably a lot more than we would like. In fact, I suspect God’s expected behaviour from husbands is well beyond what most of our brides hope for. God seems to have a soft place in His heart for women. They are His daughters, and He does not take kindly to them being treated as less precious than He made them.
Just something to think about and pray on!
We male types are typically ready for sex, both physically and mentally, much faster than most women. This can result in us seeing foreplay as some necessary hurdle we have to jump to get to the “real sex”. Even if you never voice such a thought, your wife may be aware of your eagerness to move past foreplay. This may actually be slowing her down. She may also feel rushed by her own wrong standards of how long it should take her to get aroused.
If you usually start intercourse based on some sign or unspoken signal, try ignoring the signal next time. Just keep doing foreplay. Make her ask you to move to intercourse. Or, if she verbally gives you the go-a-head, just ignore it, or ask if you can do what you are doing a bit longer.
Your bride will probably enjoy the prolonged foreplay, but something even more important will happen. You will show her you are not in a hurry, and are happy to take whatever time she needs. Many women worry they “take too long” to “get ready”. She may hurry to intercourse not because she is ready, but because she is worried you are bored, or upset it is “taking so long”. Removing this fear from her mind will greatly benefit both of you.