If you live multi-story home or a large single level home, and especially if you have children, there can be a lot of yelling back and forth going on. Some women don’t mind this, but it drives others mad. If your wife is in the second category, think about an intercom system. Wireless intercoms simply need to be plugged into the wall and are ready to go.
Over the past few days Lori and I have had the blessing of seeing a number of friends who live a good distance from us – people we love but don’t get enough time with. It is interesting to see my bride through the eyes of others, and to see how she connects and relates to various individuals. After each visit, we had new points of view and interesting ideas to discuss together.
I encourage you and your bride to make a point of spending time with folks who will give you new insights and ideas to stimulate discussion when it’s just the two of you.
You can send your bride secret love messages or encouragement in public by coming up with a few words, phrases or actions that mean something special to the two of you.
For example – at a table, instead of saying “please pass the mashed potatoes” you could say “please send the mashed potatoes my way”. Let your bride know “send the ____ blank my way” means “I love you”.
“It’s warm in here.” = “You’re so hot.”
“What a beautiful sunset.” = “You are so beautiful.”
Stirring a drink that does not need to be stirred could indicate you are ready to leave when she is. Tuning your watch around your wrist 180° could mean you are having fun and are willing to stay as long as she is.
What is her favourite book of the Bible – and why? If you don’t know, find out – and share the same information about yourself.
What are your sexual roots? What influences your sexual thoughts and attitudes about sex? If those roots are good healthy things, your sexual desires and attitudes are going to be good, healthy, and a blessing to your bride. If your sexual roots are not so good, your desires and attitudes are going to be a problem for your sex life – especially if your bride’s root are also poor.
- Growing up with parents who openly showed love for each other.
- Seeing your sex organs as good from an early age.
- You have always seen your sexuality as good.
- Contact with couples who truly loved each other and had a good sex life. (This does not mean they talked about their sex life – but we can generally tell).
- Good sexual self-control as you grew up.
- Age appropriate positive sex education, starting well before adolescence.
- Avoiding the sexual experimenting so common in high school and college.
- Premarital counselling and advice that said, “Sex in marriage is awesome!”
- Ongoing relationships with men and couples enjoying great married sex.
- Growing up with a parent who thought sex was dirty.
- Your church teaching sex is bad.
- Hearing men are monsters, only after one things, sexually selfish, etc..
- Hearing sex is just for men, and women only do it because they must, or to get things.
- Lack of sex education growing up.
- Negative feelings about your sex organs or sexuality growing up.
- Being molested, in any way, to any degree.
- As a teen or older pushing for sex, or being pushed for sex.
- Exposure to porn and other media with distorted ideas of sexuality. This would include soap operas, many romance novels, some other fiction books, some graphic novels, and some R rated movies.
- Sexual contact with multiple partners over any length of time.
- Sex with your spouse before the wedding.
- Close friends with any of the roots above.
- Premarital warnings about sex: it is painful, overrated, hard to get, and so on.
If you have more items in the bad roots list than the good roots list, what does that say about you, your sexuality, and your sexual self-image? Have you dealt with the bad roots? If not, they still have an impact on your thinking.
What about your bride – can you go through the list above and mark her roots? If you cannot, you do not know enough about her.
Today, after a couple of hundred miles of driving in California traffic (LA has more people than my entire state!) I snapped at my bride. She would not call it snapping, but I was far less kind than usual. I was immediately sorry for what I had done.
Five years ago, what I did today was far more common. Even then, I was more kind and even tempered than I think most husbands are. So why was I bothered by what I did today? It’s not because my bride will exact vengeance (she won’t), and it’s not because I think God will get me for it. I regret my loss of self-control because I want always to treat her with the utmost love and respect. I do not ever want to be unkind or unloving; no matter how rough things are for me. I want my bride to know I love her. I want her to know she is always important and special to me – even when I feel grumpy.
Does this mean I used to beat up on myself when I was worse? Not really. My goal is consistent improvement. No matter how good or bad I am about something, I want to improve. As long as there is improvement, as long as I am getting better, I feel I am doing well. Certainly, some things are more critical, and these need to change more rapidly. There should be times of focused work on something, but not at the expense of other areas.
Keep working on getting better at loving and caring for the wife God gave you. Do not ever think something is good enough; you can always do better. Don’t get too hung up on how poorly you do at something if you are making good progress in that area. In both what you do well and what you do poorly, do not compare yourself to others. Compare how you do now with how you did in the past.
What one small to medium thing could you regularly do that would make her life easier, better, or nicer? If you don’t know right off, you could always ask her – but only if you are serious about following through!
Notes on the move to the blog:
- I am traveling through next Tuesday, so I have limited ability to work through things. The tips will continue to go to the old system for several weeks, so there is no huge hurry.
- Both Yahoo and G-mail are treating the e-mails with passwords as spam. NO doubt other systems are doing the same – I know AOL is famous for this. To whitelist enter the following two e-mails, replacing the “$” with @ – nobody$cpanel.netpublicist.com and paulb$themarriagebed.com.
- The best current instructions for moving are here.
- A few of you are seeing the old web site because of a local or ISP cache issue. If you see the old site, dark blue with cartoon man and woman, hold down the shift key while clicking the reload button on your browser – this should fix the issue.
- If your work or school firewall is blocking the site, you may be able to get the RSS feed. I will also get information on e-mail from the RSS feed and send that out.
- YES – I KNOW – the font on the main banner is too feminine. I had to throw something up there, I will get a proper banner up when I am home next week.
Make a habit of hiding small wrapped gifts where they will be found by your bride (and only your bride if you have others in the house). This could be a simple as a piece of her favourite candy or something she often needs and has trouble finding (nail board, pens) or something that gets used up (small candles).
Every so often, toss in something different – a nice gift, a gift card, an invitation to dinner, an offer to do a massage, or so on.