Note: This massage article is for men whose wives don’t have significant sexual problems. If your wife has “sexual hang-ups,” and especially if she has sexual abuse in her past, please see the Non-sexual massage article.
Massage is inherently sexual, and you can make it more or less sexual depending on how each of you feels when you give a massage. Unless you relax her so much she is more asleep than awake, there is a good chance your efforts will arouse her. In addition to the intimacy, massage releases a great deal of oxytocin into her body, which is good for feeling both close and sexual. If she is open to it, massage can be a great form of foreplay, first relaxing her, then arousing her. If you get it just right, you won’t be allowed to finish the massage!
To start, have her take a bath or shower. To make it even nicer, give her a bubble bath (prepare it for her and help her wash) or get in the shower with her and do the washing for her. When she is dry (do that for her too) have her lay face down on a beach towel on the floor (better than the bed, you need a firm surface). Have a small pillow for her head, and another to put under her legs just above the feet – a hand towel over the pillows will protect them from the massage oil. Use a good massage oil (see below), and apply the oil to your hands, not directly to her skin. Start at her feet, and work up, slowly! Feet can be ticklish, so be careful – firm pressure will reduce tickling. Your strokes should be towards her heart, or firm moving towards her heart and soft on the return stroke. Spend a bit of extra time on her rear end, as it’s a sensual area. You can use your full hands and a good deal of pressure on her rear. Avoid her spine as you move up her back. Learn where she carries tension, and pay special attention to those areas; the shoulders and neck are common tension spots.
When you reach her head, turn her over, and work back down towards the feet. The face is a sensuous area for a woman, so spend a bit of time there. Use light fingertip massage tracing her features. Work down the front of her arms and do her hands before you move to her breasts. Don’t just grab, tease her. Move over her breasts gently, and then move around to the outside edge and around back to the top. Cup as you rub, with one or two hands depending on what best covers her. Give some special attention to the nipples, but only after you have spent plenty of time on the rest of the breast. Don’t squeeze the nipple too firmly. Work on down now, but don’t be in a hurry to get to her genitals. Move over and around her tummy, then run your hands down the outside of her legs. Roll your hands in and come back up the inside of the legs. Follow the line where her leg and groin meet, just barely caressing the edge of her vulva as you go by. Do this a few times before you focus on her genitals. You want her legs apart now – lift each leg a bit and bend at the knee, then rotate the leg outward to give good access to her vulva. Vary soft strokes with firm ones, and fingertips with the whole palm. Upward strokes are likely to be more stimulating, but be careful not to over stimulate. A small amount of oil in the vagina is not usually a problem, but don’t get anything scented in there, and be aware oil can interfere with condoms and spermicides.
From here you’re on your own – play it by ear and either finish the massage back down to her feet, massage her genitals till she orgasms, or move to some other sex act.
Oil: Always test any massage oil to make sure there is no allergic reaction – apply a small amount to a sensitive area like the inside of the upper arm or the breast and wait a day. With plant oils there will be no allergic reaction unless you or your spouse is allergic to the plant. If you are allergic to peanuts, don’t use peanut oil, etc.. Store bought oils are likely to have additives and preservatives, so they may be more prone to cause a rash. Sunflower oil is said to be almost allergy proof, so try it if you are unsure or have a problem.
Most of what you can buy is not very good; so you might want to make your own. I like 40% walnut oil and 60% safflower oil as a base, but any edible oil will work. You could use straight cooking oil just fine, but a nice blend feels better for both giver and receiver, and the scent adds a nice touch. You can play with the mix; some oils have more “drag” than others do. I’ve seen sweet almond, grape seed, sesame, soy, and sunflower oil mentioned by those who give massages. An almond and sesame mix seems to be fairly popular with masseuses – it’s light, glides easy, and washed off easily. You can use vitamin E oil to thicken the mixture, it won’t take much, or olive oil, it will take more than the E.
If you are going to be touching her genitals at all with the oil, you want to be careful about adding scents. Any kind of mint can produce a burning sensation if it’s too strong, so I’d avoid them unless you know you will not be hitting her most sensitive places.
For scented oil, add a small amount of essential oil, not extract. Essential oil goes a long way since you will use 1 to 3 parts essential oil to 100 parts of base. Peppermint, which has a cooling feeling and tends to make one more alert, is exceptionally strong, so use just 1% with peppermint. Sandalwood is great for calming someone, and can be mixed more strongly as it’s rather subtle. A variety of essential oils are now available in many drug stores and some grocery stores. Store oil in the fridge, and float a small squeeze bottle of it in hot water to warm it for use.